Disclaimer: This story contains very sensitive material as well as vulgar language and racial slurs. This isn’t your cup of tea, you know what to do.

Part One

New Years Day 2001

I’m sitting at my desk writing this for my son, Jeremy Adam Gage. He was born in 1985 and came as a total surprise to me. I hope that after he reads this journal about his life he understands his old man better.

It was 1983 when it all came to a head I guess. I lost half my crew that day in 1983 to an explosion and its resulting fire. How many of you remember the 1980’s and the escalating gang wars in Los Angeles City and County? My station, 136 sat smack dab in the middle of Los Caballeros led by none other than Jesus Delgado. There was one bad mother fucker, let me tell you. His son Javier, all of 14 started the warehouse on fire as part of his initiation into his father’s gang. Now tell me, it that anyway to bring up your kid?

Anyway, I digress, 1983 was the year it all fell to pot after that fire late in the year. It was two weeks before Labor Day when I lost Williams, Shaw, Bannock, Garcia, and Strickland. It was also the day I started my downward spiral into alcoholism.

It was during this time that I met Sally Monroe. She was waitressing at Broadway Bowl where I’d been bowling for almost twenty years. (Now you know my secret to good health, bowling….NOT) We started “dating” dating just after New Years 1984. She told me she was twenty-one, almost twenty- two so I thought there was absolutely nothing wrong with dating her. We started getting serious about six months later. That was also the time I was drinking heaviest. So needless to say, I didn’t think twice about taking Sally to bed. We would meet at least once a week for hot and heavy sex, and then we’d go our separate ways. This went on for about three months, by then I was all but begging Sally to move in with me. I guess I shoulda known something was up when she kept himming and hawing and putting me off. But we kept sleeping together, only now it was for weekends or any two days I had off.

One day I took Roy, my best friend, in to meet her. I was still drinking then, so I was totally taken aback by Roy’s treatment of her. He was cool, almost rude to the girl. He accused me of robbing the cradle.

“What’s a thirty-four year old man doing dating a child?” Roy asked me that day.

“What do you mean, Roy? That ain’t a child. She’s twenty-two years old.” I insisted between gulps of beer. I was pretty much blinded to just about anything during that time.

“Well, you can think what you want, Junior, but I’m tellin’ you that girl is NOT a legal adult.” Roy stood up and left the bowling alley. It was killing him to see his friend in this shape.

1985 Mid March

Sally just up and disappeared one day in March. She wasn’t at the bowling alley, nor was she returning my calls. In fact it appeared her phone had been disconnected. I sighed and drove myself further into my job and drinking. Sally and I had had a good year and a half, but like all things in John Gage’s life, this too had to pass.

Chief Stanley had called me into his office on the first day of April. He looked at me with sad eyes and told me just how it was going to be. Then into the room walked Roy DeSoto, Dr. Kelly Brackett, Chet Kelly, Joanne DeSoto, Christopher DeSoto, and several of the men from my station. They all sat down in the conference room and looked at me.

“It’s time you got some help Johnny.” Hank said to me.

“What do you mean?” I of course was in my usual state. Mind you, I was NEVER drunk on duty, but since this was my ‘off’ day, I had already started on my binge. So needless to say, I was not in a very good mood, nor was I receptive to what my friends and co-workers were starting.

“I mean, that you either get help or you’ll be let go.” Hank shook his head again, “We’ve turned our backs and looked the other way long enough, John. It’s time we, your friends and family, stepped in and took over the reigns. You are in no shape to run your life right now and I know for a fact that you don’t want to lose your job.”

I looked at the people assembled and stood, “I don’t need this shit from you.” I made to leave but a hand on my shoulder and a soft voice stopped me.

“You need help, Johnny.” Joanne said. She had tears in her eyes, “Please, let us help you.”

So began my long road toward recovery. The fact that Sally was no longer a part of my life helped in a way. When I was with her, I drank more heavily. Not sure why, but this became our routine, I’d get plastered, she’d drive us back to my house, then we’d fall into bed. Sometime after I’d sobered up a bit, we’d make love then sleep some more. Now that I wasn’t doing that, I started to rationalize my drinking in a different way.

It was that voice though, and those tears, that brought me to the brink and shoved me over. I let Jo pull me into a hug as I held on to my friend for dear life. I vaguely remember speaking, “Help me?”

I entered a department run rehab program that allowed me to keep my job. During this time, I wondered what had happened to Sally.

Also during this time, the gang wars had escalated in the city. There’d already been one threat of a riot, with more threats coming. It didn’t help that the local cops were not doing their jobs and were actually causing a lot of the dissention among the cop ‘gangs’ and the street gangs.

November 28, 1985 Thanksgiving morning

I was wakened by the telephone at six a.m. I didn’t have to work that day, so I had planned on spending the day with Roy and his family. One of the best things that had come out of our making Captain was the fact that we both work the same shift, albeit at different stations, but we have the same days off so we had been able to maintain our friendship. So I was surprised by the ringing phone.

“Hello?”

“Sorry to wake you Johnny, but uh...” Dixie McCall was on the other end of the line. She was working part time at Rampart now having turned over the Emergency Department to some young up and comer. She still spent most of her time in the ER though. “We need you to come down to the hospital.”

“Did something happen to Roy?” Were my first thoughts and words.

“No Johnny.” Dixie reassured me, “Nor to any of your crew or other friends.” She took a deep breath that even I could feel over the line separating us. “Did you know a Sally Monroe?”

I remember vividly that morning. My heart had literally stopped beating. “Yes.” I whispered.

“Miss Monroe died this morning after child birth.” Dixie paused, “She said you were the father, Johnny.”

My world rocked then. I stood and cradled the phone between my shoulder and the side of my head, “When…uh, is the baby alive?”

“Yes Johnny. And since she named you as the father, you have the choice of taking custody of the infant or turning the infant over to the authorities.” Dixie explained.

“I’ll be there in twenty minutes.” I quickly showered after talking to Dixie. After dressing I was out the door and into my Rover. I now have a house thirty minutes from my station. The drive to Rampart would normally take forty minutes, but this being a holiday, the roads were virtually deserted so I was able to drive a little faster and push the speed limit. I made it to Rampart in just over twenty minutes.

I crashed through the ER doors and skidded to a halt just inside the reception area. With all the upgrades and downsizing and changing around that had happened with the area hospitals, both private and public, Rampart now had a triage/assessment area where walk-ins went before seeing even a nurse or doctor. I looked around the deserted room for a face I’d remember. I was no longer working in Rampart’s area, but in St. Mary’s jurisdiction. Because of this, I’m a bit unfamiliar with the personnel here. Finally my eyes lighted on the one face I’d know anywhere, “Hi Dix.”

“Hi yourself,” Dixie smiled. She still looked beautiful after all these years. The times had been good to this special woman.

“Uh, where’s the baby?” I asked.

“Come on, Daddy. I’ll take you up to see your baby.” Dixie seemed to be purposely keeping the sex of the child from me.

“Is the baby all right, Dix? I mean, you can be straight with me, I know that Sally drank.” In fact, I had begun to think that she was doing more than just drinking while we dated.

“The baby is fine Johnny. A healthy eight pounds ten ounces,” Dixie steered me to the elevator. “Sally died from complications, Johnny. She was very much lucid when her parents brought her in last night. She was in the end stages of labor when the problem made itself known.”

We got off on the fifth floor and headed for the nursery, “She bled to death two hours after giving birth.”

I don’t know exactly what happened, but the next thing I knew I was in a chair with my head between my knees.  “Easy there Mr. Gage.”

I looked up at who was calling me ‘Mr. Gage’ and came face to face with a new intern. I looked at the name tag and slowly read the name. Lionel Bridgewater, M.D. now there’s a name for ya. “I’m, uh, I’m okay.” I slowly sat up

Once I was back on my feet, Dixie led me over to look at the babies in the nursery. She pointed to a squiggling bundle of baby, “There’s your son, Johnny.” She smiled.

“Son?” I asked stupidly. “It’s a boy?”

Dixie couldn’t help it, she laughed, “Yes, it’s a boy. His name is Jeremy Gage. Sally said that you should be the one to give him a middle name.”

I stared at the dark haired bundle that just wouldn’t hold still. While all the other babies in the nursery were either crying or sleeping, my little boy was wiggling and cooing. I swear that he looked straight at me when the nurse held him up for me to get a closer look. He had his mother’s face, but my eyes and hair color. He was absolutely beautiful. “And you’re certain there’s nothing wrong with him?” I just had to be sure. They were just now beginning to diagnose cases of fetal alcohol syndrome for what it was and I was very much afraid my baby, my son, my Jeremy would be suffering from the effects.

“Yes, Johnny. He’s one hundred percent healthy.” Dixie smiled again. “Would you like to hold him?”

“Adam.” I uttered. I hadn’t even heard Dixie.

“What?”

“His middle name is Adam. Jeremy Adam Gage. Adam after my kid brother,” I spoke softly.

“I didn’t know you have a brother.” Dixie stated.

“I don’t. At least, not anymore,” I started, “He died when he was six. Pneumonia, I think, or maybe the flu, it was hard to tell back then on the reservation. All I know was that he got sick, mom and dad took him to the hospital and he never came back.” I put my hand on the glass that protected the nursery and sighed, “I miss him even today Dix. He was a cool kid, funny, charming, I called him my little shadow because he had to follow me everywhere.”

“I bet he loved you too, Johnny.” Dixie put her hand on my arm.

“I know he did, Dix. He told me every night before he fell asleep. When he turned four, he insisted that I be the one to read him a bed time story. I was seven at the time and had been reading for almost two years. I would pick up one of the second grade readers and ask to take it home; sometimes the teachers would let me take a third or fourth grade reader too. I’d read at least two stories or fairy tales to my brother every night. This helped me to become a better reader and gave me special time with Adam.”

Dixie looked at me, “It’s too bad he couldn’t grow up and see his big brother today.”

“Yeah, well, when can I take my son home?” Already thoughts were running though my head. Who I needed to call, and what I needed to get to welcome my young charge home, etc.

“Well, you can take him home now, but I’m pretty sure you would like some time to get things situated. How about we get you all ready and you can take him home Saturday afternoon?” Dixie had already discussed the situation with both the infant’s physician and the lady who’d been notified of the birth at Child Services. Since a father had been named, there was no need for me to be kept from my son.

“Good deal,” It was now my turn to grin, “Now, can I hold my son?”

“I thought you were never going to ask.” Dixie laughed.

I turned to go into the nursery when a hand on my arm turned me around and a fist slammed into my face. I sat on the floor blinking back the sting of tears as the man standing over me ranted.

“HOW DARE YOU DO THAT TO MY DAUGHTER!” John Monroe stood above me, his chest heaving. “She was just a baby.”

I was helped to my feet by Dr. Jonas Smith, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” I ran my hand over my mouth and frowned at the blood on my hand. “I’m fine.” I turned to the man who had hit me, “I don’t know who you are and I have no clue as to what you’re referring to.”

“I’m John Monroe, Sally’s father,” Monroe said.

I looked at the man standing in front of me. He was average height, build, and coloring. I wouldn’t have known him from Adam. “Okay, now what are you referring to? I mean, Sally told me she was twenty-one when we started dating a year and a half ago.”

“My daughter was only seventeen when you and she started dating, Mr. Gage.” Monroe sneered, “And she’s never going to see twenty.”

“I’m so sorry for your loss, Mr. Monroe. I honestly didn’t know your girl was that young. Believe me, I never would have started a relationship with her had I known she was under age.” I was totally unprepared for what I’d just been told.

“I know all about you, Mr. Gage. I had a nice long talk with Cindy McNabb, Sally’s best friend. She told me how you used to get my Sally drunk and take advantage of her. If she weren’t dead right now I’d have you brought up on rape charges.” Monroe stood his ground.

I was livid, but I remembered something from a law class I’d taken a couple years earlier. “Now just you wait a minute.” I ran my hands through my hair and took a deep breath, “Man, I don’t believe this. You can’t bring me up on charges of any kind. In the state of California, the age of consent is eighteen. If she was seventeen when we first met and nineteen when she died, then that means we never did anything sexual until she was eighteen.”

Monroe stared at me and sighed. “I was hoping that was the case. You must understand, Mr. Gage, I loved my daughter dearly, but she was doing things I could not control. Seeing people I didn’t think she should be hanging out with. To tell you the truth, when I found out that you were a fire fighter, at first I was glad, then I found out how old you were and that you had a drinking problem, well…”

“If it’s any consolation, I haven’t had a drink in over six months and have no plans on ever drinking again. I’m seeing a good doctor and have taken pains to keep myself sober, not only for the sake of my job, but for my friends and my health.” I started walking towards the nursery again, “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go see my son, then I’m going to go make plans to bring him home on Saturday.”

I was afraid that Monroe would try to take my son away from me.

Mid December 1985

Roy and Jo had been most helpful in getting me started out with baby clothes, diapers, and baby furniture. Stevie Red Crow, the wife of Tommy Red Crow, one of the firefighters on my shift, had offered to baby sit on nights I had to work. Between her, Jo, and Jennifer DeSoto, I was never wanting for a babysitter. Even if it was only for a few hours so I could get some housework done or catch up on my sleep, someone was always there to help. So by mid December I was all set up with my son in my home. So I was totally shocked when Wilma Anchetta from the California Children’s Services showed up on my doorstep on December 20^th, just five short days from Christmas.

The doorbell ringing brought me out of my nap. I had taken the advice of my friends’ wives and slept when Jeremy slept so I was not a very happy camper about being woken up. I checked to make sure I had at least some clothes on after one such embarrassing moment where Jo caught me off guard and got an eyeful. I answered the door once I was convinced I was decent. Standing on the front porch was a woman dressed in a business suit and a sour look on her face. “May I help you?”

“Are you John R. Gage?” The woman of about 40 asked.

“Yes, I am. How may I help you?” I pushed the screen door opened and made room for the woman to enter my house. My father had raised me to be a gentleman, despite what the nurses at Rampart tell ya.

“I’m Mrs. Anchetta from Child Welfare. I’ve been told that you have a three week old infant in your care.” Anchetta sneered at Johnny.

“Yes, my son Jeremy,” I stepped back again, “Would you care to come in?”

Mrs. Anchetta scrunched up her nose, which in itself was a feat as the nose was longer than Barbara Streisand’s. I found myself trying hard not to giggle. (Yes, I giggle, I admit it.) Anyway, she entered the house with that sour look on her not too attractive face and followed me into the great room.

“Would you care for something to drink?” I was trying hard not to show fear. Those County employees can smell fear a mile away.

“Yes, please. Water would be fine.” She actually sounded human at that point.

“Give me just a minute and I’ll have that out to you. Would you like ice or lemon?” I headed for the kitchen which was open to the great room.

“Both thank you.” Mrs. Anchetta looked around the room. She had been told from an anonymous caller that the house was in shambles and the baby was crying all the time. Right at that minute, the house was clean, almost to the point of being immaculate, and the baby was not making a sound. “Where’s the baby?”

“He’s sleeping right now. I was just catching a few winks myself before you showed up.” I held up the baby monitor I’d been given as a gift during an impromptu baby shower thrown by my crew at the station.

“I see.” Mrs. Anchetta opened up a file in her lap and leafed through it. She looked up and nodded when I set the glass of water on the coffee table. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” I sat down in my recliner and watched as she read some papers. “Am I in trouble?”

“I don’t think so, Mr. Gage. You see, someone called my office and spoke to me about you. This person said that you had a filthy house and were mistreating the infant.” Mrs. Anchetta sipped at her water. “But from what I’ve seen just sitting here, you keep a very clean house and seem to care for the infant.”

“That infant has a name, Mrs. Anchetta, it’s Jeremy. He’s very much loved and cared for. I maintain a very clean house more out of habit than anything else. Working the past sixteen years for the fire department has engrained some habits.” I gave the woman a small smile.

“Do you have any housekeeping help?” Mrs. Anchetta had brought out a legal pad and was making notes.

“Jennifer DeSoto comes over twice a week and helps with the laundry and making sure there’s plenty of food and diapers. She’s the daughter of my friend and former paramedic partner, Roy DeSoto. She’s seventeen and a senior in high school. She baby sits when I need a break or have errands to run. Her mother, Joanne, takes Jeremy some of the nights when I work, one of my fire fighters wives, Stevie Red Crow, uh Stephanie that is, takes him when Joanne can’t.” I explained the arrangements for the care of my infant son. “If you’d like, I can take you upstairs to his room.”

Mrs. Anchetta set her purse and file folder on the coffee table and stood, “I’d much appreciate that Mr. Gage.”

“Please, can you at least call me John?” I asked her.

“Okay, John.” This dour woman seemed to be warming up to my infamous ‘Gage charm’.

I led the woman through the first floor showing her the kitchen and mud rooms, the rest of the great room which is where I have my formal dining room. Then I showed her my den/office before leading her up the stairs. “As you can see, this house is well protected. I have all the plugs that are open covered; no cords are in the way. When Jeremy gets older and starts moving around, I plan on padding the corners of the coffee table only because it’s a hand made piece and I’d hate to have him fall and get hurt on it.” I continued the trek through the house, “This is the first of the guest rooms. I have four bedrooms all together with four baths, three baths upstairs and the one in the mud room. I have four horses right now, I used to have ten but I just sold six of them at an auction up in Fresno in October.”

“Really? I’d like to see your horses too if you don’t mind.” Mrs. Anchetta continued to make notes on her pad.

“Sure, after we’re finished up here.” I stopped at the next closed door, “This is the other guest room. Sometimes when Jennifer or her brother, Christopher has stayed over they’ve used these rooms. Now, here’s Jeremy’s room. As you can see it’s right across the hall from me. The door’s never closed, and I’m never without the receiving end of the monitor.” I led her into the semi-darkened room.

She looked down at my son and I swear she melted. “He’s so cute.”

“Yeah, all the women he comes in contact with have said that. He looks just like his mother except with my coloring.”

“I noticed he’s a little darker than I thought he’d be. I also wasn’t expecting such a strapping boy. I’m sorry John, but I was under the impression that this child wasn’t being cared for. That he wasn’t being fed or changed. But I can see that that clearly isn’t the case.”

“I love my son very much, Mrs. Anchetta. If I had known his mother was pregnant with him I would have taken care of her too. As it is, she chose not to tell me about him, so it was a shock when I got the call that she’d died shortly after giving birth to our son.” I ran my hand through my much shorter hair, “Is there any way I can find out who’s making the accusations?”

“I’m sorry John, but that is privileged information. I would if I could. Believe me I can’t believe that person could do such a thing as bring these grossly incorrect charges against you. Please, forgive my intrusion.” She headed down the stairs. “Miss Meyers will still be making unannounced checks, but I don’t think the State has anything to worry about.” She shook my hand after I showed her the rest of the house and the horses, and walked her to her car.

“Thank you for your honesty, Mrs. Anchetta. I guess it’s kinda hard knowing that a single man is raising an infant. But I do appreciate the faith you’re putting in me to do right by my son.” I watched as she drove down the lane that led to the main street.

Part Two