Author's note: This story idea came to me after I went to bed the other night...I had been thinking about my grandmother and this is what came out. Sorry if it depresses anyone but this is how I'm dealing with it.

I stand alone everyday, after roll call, chores and when we aren't out on a run, looking out the back bay door here at the station. What I'm looking for is a white Land Rover, hoping that at any minute it will pull into the parking lot with it's occupant trying desperately to explain why he's late...yet again.

But, I know it won't come. Cap and the rest of my friends keep telling me that he isn't coming back and deep down I know all of them are right but it's just something that I still don't want to believe or accept.

It was three weeks ago after Johnny and I had finished on a run that he needed to go by the bank...bad idea...because it took my partner's life. No, he didn't die quickly and painlessly that day...it took a week before that happened.

I still blame myself, although I've been told by everyone I know that it wasn't my fault. But I still find myself asking why...why Johnny and not me? The sad part is...I'll never know the answer to that. We were both standing right there when the shots were being fired. Did this guy specifically aim at Johnny, just because he was first through the door...why did Johnny have to die and not me...why? But wait, that's not true...I did die.

As Johnny lay in Rampart Hospital in a coma and was slowly loosing his battle for life a little each day, a little bit of me was dying right along with him. I was loosing the best friend I'd ever had in this world and I felt like I was also loosing myself. I remember that day like it was yesterday but I guess I should start at the beginning...

Johnny and I arrived for work at about the same time, for once my partner and best friend wasn't late...but what I wouldn't give now if he had been. Going into the station we went into the locker room and exchanged our good mornings with the rest of the crew, talked about what we had done on our days off and changed into our uniforms. Then, just like clockwork, Chet and Johnny got into it, Chet always started it and Johnny never seemed to learn to ignore him...he always took the bait. But, that's what made life around the station exciting...a little irritating sometimes but exciting.

"Hey Gage, how did your date go last night with that new nurse?"

"None of your business Chet."

"Oh, come on Gage, you gotta give..."

"I don't wanna talk about it."

"Oh let me guess, she dumped you already...and after the first date to. John, I gotta tell ya pal, you have the worse luck with the chicks you date."

"Shut up Chet!"

Even though they both cared about each other, usually the only way they would ever show it was through pranks or with words...that is until one of them...usually Johnny...wound up getting hurt and that's when Chester B. let his true colors show. So, needless to say, we knew it would continued like that for the rest of the day...and we were right, it did. All of us were hoping that the tones would sound just so we could separate the two of them, they were driving us nuts and the only peace we had was when they were separated to do the chores that Cap assigned. Finally, it happened and the squad was toned out.

"Squad 51, sick child, 2252 East Hampton, 2-2-5-2 East Hampton, apartment 6, ambulance is responding, time out 8:47."

"Squad 51 10-4 KMG365."

"Hey Roy, keep Johnny away from here for as long as possible. I need some peace and quiet for awhile."

"I'll see what I can do Cap."

Well, when we got on the scene, the sick child turned out to have the flu and we contacted the hospital, did what Brackett ordered and then we transported. Johnny always git a little upset when we got runs like that..."nothing runs" as he would call them. He always felt they were a waste of time and a lot of times they were.

"Well, that was a waste of time. His parents coulda taken him to the hospital but instead they call us and we probably weren't avaliable for somebody that REALLY needed us."

"I know Junior, but that's what we're here for. What are ya gonna do?"

"I don't know...yet. But give me some time to think about it."

Yeah, and that's what worried me, Johnny's thinking. Well, he finally let it go and as we were making our way back, I was trying to think of something we could do so we wouldn't have to go right back to the station and that's when Johnny remembered he needed to go by the bank. I figured that it would be a good way to keep him and Chet away from each other for a little while longer plus give Cap, Mike and Marco some peace and quiet...but I've regretted it ever since.

"Hey Roy, we got time to stop by the bank don't we? I really need to make this deposit, I would hate to lose my check. Besides, even though he was tryin' to whisper, I heard what Cap said."

"You did huh...well you do have to admit, you and Chet are driving us all crazy. I guess we do and we can make Cap happy at the same time."

"Thanks. I don't know what I would do if I lost this thing."

"Yeah, you've almost lost it how many times now...twice? You bank at First National, right?"

"National, you're right...LA, squad 51 10-8 to the First National Bank."

"10-4 squad 51."

"Yeah, I'll give Cap a break...but Chester B. started it. Him...I'm gonna get good. Wanna help?"

"No way Junior. This is between you and Chet, don't get me in the middle of it."

"Sometimes, you're no fun at all Pally."

When he said that he flashed me that grin he was so famous for...man, how I miss seeing that. Well, like I said, I regret ever going. When I pulled into the parking lot everything seemed fine, no signs of trouble. I was gonna stay in the squad and wait on him, figured he wouldn't be long but he said I might as well go in with him, said he might need someone to talk to while he was waiting in line...so I went. Now, I'm glad I did go with him or I would have kicked myself for the rest of my life if I hadn't gone...I'm still doing that anyway.

But, we never made it to the line nor was he ever able to get back at Chet. We were talking about...oh I can't even remember now what we were talking about...probably Chet...but as soon as we walked in the door we heard someone shouting and then the gun shots.

"Cops!"

"NO!"

I guess it was out of reflex that I yelled. We had unknowingly walked right into the middle of a robbery and had been mistaken for police officers and I tried to tell him that we weren't cops, but I wasn't fast enough. Three men suddenly started shooting at anything and everything and Johnny ended up as one of the victims. Unfortunately, three other people died from the stray bullets but I still believe they were the lucky ones...at least none of them had to lay in a hospital bed waiting to die.

I tried to get my partner out of the line of fire, I swear I did and I hope Johnny knew that but...he was hit anyway. Although he tried to talk to me, he couldn't get anything to come out, but he didn't have to, we were so close that most of the time no words were needed between us. He could hardly even focus his eyes but he looked at me with a look that told me that he didn't blame me for what happened and for me not to blame myself...easier said than done. He then slowly closed his eyes.

"Johnny...Johnny hang on partner. You've got to be alright...please Johnny, don't do this!"

One of the men, I think it may have been the one who shot Johnny but with so many bullets flying I doubt we'll ever know for sure which one it was but he walked over to me after everything had calmed down. I wanted to kill him right there on the spot but knew it would be a stupid move. All I could do was just sit there, holding my dying partner in my arms and pleading with him not to die.

"You cops shouldn't have come in here. He wouldn't be in the shape he is now it you hadn't."

"We aren't cops...we're paramedics and we work for the fire department. Look at what you've done to my partner...he could die!"

"Paramedics huh? Oh well, you guys were in the wrong place at the wrong time."

He didn't seem to care what he had done to Johnny or any of the others and that made me so angry. Angry because of what he did to my best friend and because these men were too stupid to tell the difference between a police uniform and a firefighter's uniform, they just started shooting. But I kept my cool and just kept my mind on my partner.

After the man walked away from us I looked back down at Johnny and blood was coming from the side of his head, where the bullet had entered. If it hadn't been for the blood, his long hair would have covered any trace of the wound.

I remember how the Chief was always on his case to get a haircut...he never would though. I'm kinda glad he didn't because I had always thought of Johnny as a little boy trapped in a man's body, basically because that's how he always acted and his long hair made him look even more like a little boy...our third child is what JoAnne and I had always said about him.

Anyway, I knew he needed medical help and fast, not that it was going to do any good but I had to try. It took thirty more minutes before the nightmare inside the bank came to an end and I was finally able to get my friend to Rampart...thirty minutes that Johnny needed...again though, I doubt it would have done any good. I didn't even bother to contact the hospital, I just gathered Johnny up in my arms, carried him outside, put my friend in the squad, hit the lights and siren and hauled butt to where he could receive help. I still remember how shocked Dr. Brackett was when I came into emergency carrying him.

"Doc...doc, help me please. Somebody help!"

"Roy, what's going on, what...what happened to Johnny?"

"He's...he's been shot doc...in the head. Please, you can help him...can't you?"

"Dix, get Joe down here quick. Also get x-ray stat, we'll be in treatment 4."

"Right Kel."

Waiting for the x-rays, the other tests and the docs to examine Johnny was driving me outta my mind. I knew I had seen Johnny hurt before...many time as a matter of fact but this...this was more serious than anything else that had ever happened to him and I was more worried than I had ever been.

Since I couldn't be with him while the x-rays were being taken, I took that time and called Cap and the guys to let them know what was going on and it seemed that they were at the hospital within minutes.

After they got there and about twenty minutes later, Brackett came out of the treatment room to give us the news and by the look on his face it was the news I somehow already knew.

"Roy...Hank, guys. I don't know how to say this...the x-rays and tests show that the bullet has done major damage to Johnny's brain, there is no exit wound. Because of the location we can't operate to remove it."

"Doc, I can tell that something else is wrong...what is it?"

"Roy...Johnny's in a coma and his brain activity is non existent and everything is beginning to slow down...his heartbeat, respirations and if we don't put him on a respirator...well...he's dying. I am so sorry about this."

None of us could believe what was happening to our friend. One minute he and I were talking about how he was gonna get back at Chet and the next...my best friend was slowly dying and even with all of my training, there was nothing I could do to stop it.

You wanna know what was so funny about that...not that anything about it was funny but...Johnny and I had talked a few weeks before all of this happened, about what we would want done if something happened to us that the docs knew we couldn't recover from. I don't even remember how the conversation got started now...it might have been that we brought in a patient like that...but Johnny told me that he didn't want to be put on a respirator or have any heroic measures taken to keep him alive. He said he didn't want to be a burden on anyone and that he wanted to fly with the eagles, as he put it...that was my partner, always thinking of others before himself.

Johnny didn't have any family left and since I was listed as his next of kin, even though I hated it, I had to respect my best friend's wishes. Needless to say, I asked a few questions...I had to be sure before I made that kind of a decision.

"If we don't put him on a respirator, he will die?"

"Yes, he will. But you have to consider what kind of life Johnny would have if he's hooked up to a machine to keep him alive. I don't think it would be much of a life, not for Johnny anyway."

"Doc, what are his chances of coming out of the coma and having some kind of a normal life...any kind?"

"There's no chance Roy. Even IF he would come out of it and that is a big if...with the brain damage, he wouldn't be normal."

"Is...is he in pain?"

"No, I don't believe he is."

"Could he hear us if we talk to him?"

"I have no way of knowing for sure but I don't think so. He's in a deep coma."

"Without the respirator, how long does he have?"

"I...I don't know Roy, there's really no way of knowing that. If you don't want him hooked up to a respirator, we can put Johnny in a private room so all of you can be with him and talk to him until...well you know. Knowing Johnny...I think he'll somehow know that he isn't alone."

"So he is brain..."

I couldn't bring myself to say it. Maybe if it had been someone I didn't know, someone who I didn't trust with my life every day and someone who wasn't closer to me than my own brother then maybe...maybe I could have said it. But with it being my best friend, the words just wouldn't come. I'm glad Brackett understood.

"It's okay Roy, it's hard for me to say it to but unfortunately...yes. His brain function stopped as soon as the bullet did the damage but...his heart just hasn't realized it yet..it just didn't know enough to stop beating. I'm sorry to have to put it that way."

I knew Brackett hated being so blunt and to the point but...he only told it like it was. I thought my knees were gonna give out on me, good thing Cap and the guys were close to me. I somehow already knew it but actually hearing it from Brackett somehow made it more real and I knew I had to decide.

Even though I didn't want Johnny to die, I knew what it was that he wanted done and felt I owed him at least that much. But no one knows how selfish I wanted to be. I wanted to tell Brackett to put him on that respirator, to let a machine breath for him so we could keep him with us. But I couldn't...I couldn't bring myself to do that to my best friend, it wouldn't have been fair to Johnny...I knew I had to let him go.

I don't think Cap or anyone was really surprised by my decision. They may not have like it but hey... neither did I...that was my best friend laying there and it was the hardest decision I've ever had to make.

"Doc, no respirator and no heroic measures to keep him alive, that isn't what Johnny wanted. Keep him as comfortable as possible and let him go in peace and with dignity. Please."

"Alright Roy, we'll do what you want."

"No doc...it's what Johnny wants."

The day that all of this happened was June tenth. For the next week the five of us were with Johnny, day and night. Cap and the rest of the guys had all taken a leave of absence, something that the Chief fully understood and it didn't surprise me one bit. Since we didn't know how long he would be with us, we decided that we wouldn't leave his side. We hated to leave long enough to even go to the bathroom or take a shower, but we did. Dix and the Docs would bring us food to eat, even though we weren't hungry, they brought it to us anyway. I think we all lost quite a few pounds during that time.

We were glad that Joanne and Carrie, Cap's wife, were understanding ladies. It goes without saying that if they wanted to see us during that week, they came to the hospital. They both were glad they did because they got to spend some time with Johnny too.

My problem was my kids. Ever since Johnny and I had met and became partners...and best friends, Johnny had been their "uncle" and they were very close to him, even closer than they were to their real uncle, my brother. They were also old enough to understand what was going on but Joanne and I wasn't really sure if they needed to see Johnny like he was, to have to remember him that way. Cap and I had talked about it and he told me that we should let the kids see him, if only for them to be able to say good-bye. Since he wasn't burned or anything gruesome like that I reluctantly gave in.

Joanne had talked to the kids the day Johnny had been hurt, explained what kind of damage there was, that he was in a coma and also explained what was going to happen to him. She brought Chris and Jennifer in and they surprised all of us at how well they handled it, almost like adults...they probably handled it better than all of us adults. They each held a hand, they talked to Johnny and told him how their day at school had been and what they had done...and how very much that they loved him. I'm glad now that we let them see him because it was the next day that...that Johnny died.

The morning of June seventeenth was a warm and sunny day...just the kind of day that Johnny loved. As we had been since it happened, the five of us were by Johnny's side. Joanne, Carrie, Dix, Brackett, Early and even Morton had all stopped by, at the same time, to see him, not knowing that it would be the last day we would all have with him. I think though, in a way, everybody sensed the end was near.

I had always heard that when someone was dying that a lot of times they would fight to hang on, not wanting to leave because they didn't think the ones they were leaving behind was ready for it. I felt that Johnny was doing that, he was somehow fighting because he didn't want us to be sad. I had also heard that it was alright to let the person know that if they felt they needed to go that it was alright to, that they shouldn't worry and to do what they needed to do.

His pulse and respirations were so slow that day and we all knew that it wouldn't be much longer. And although I didn't want Johnny to leave us, I was hoping my best friend would understand that if he needed to go that we would somehow be okay.

I had talked it over with everybody and with the okay from everyone in the room, I took hold of Johnny's hand and everyone else placed a hand on Johnny to, either on a leg, arm, shoulder, foot, just anywhere so they could have that contact with him...Chet held his other hand as tears streamed down his face but he never made an attempt to hide it and that didn't surprise any of us...and we all hoped that he could somehow hear me.

"Johnny...partner...everybody is here and I hope you know that you haven't been alone through all of this. Junior, I know you don't want us to be sad and that's why you're hangin' on like you are but...I want you to know that...that even though we don't wanna let you go...if you're tired of hangin' on and feel that you need to go...it's okay and somehow...I don't know how...but we'll be alright. You're my best friend Johnny and you mean so much to me...to all of us. But, you do what you feel like you need to do. Just remember, that all of us are here with you and we all love you very much. Fly with the eagles my dear friend...and find peace."

I could have sworn that I felt Johnny lightly squeeze my hand, almost as if he had heard me but maybe it was just me and I just wanted so badly to believe that he had heard what I said to him. A few minutes later, on June seventeenth, 1983 at 5:30 p.m. my best friend...partner...my brother...took his last breath...he was only 33 years old. It was a comfort to all of us to know that he'd had all his friends around him when he died so he didn't have to die alone.

But it made me angry...angry to know that he was so young with so much left to give and still he was taken away from us...it wasn't fair. But as he would have told me, when the spirits call...you answer...cause there is no gettin' out of it. Johnny could always make me laugh even if it was over something sad.

There wasn't a dry eye in the room...not even Dr. Morton. Now, he and Johnny, most of the time, had never seemed to see eye to eye on things and they'd had their differences, I sure won't deny that but you could tell that day that he really had thought of Johnny as a friend. I miss him so much and wish everyday that none of this had ever happened...or at least that it would have been me.

As he walked up beside me, I felt Cap touch me on the shoulder. He spoke in a very soothing voice.

"Roy...you've done this for three weeks now pal...but it isn't gonna bring Johnny back. Why not come on to bed and try to get some rest before you end up in Rampart yourself."

"I will Cap. I know nothing will bring him back but I still can't help but wish he would come flying on to the lot, giving all kinds of reasons as to why he's late. I miss him Cap...I miss him so much."

"Me to Roy...me to...we all do and we always will. I think that's what I miss most about him, the excuses he could come up with as to why he was late...and it usually involved a woman. Not to mention him and Chet gettin' into it all the time. Believe it or not, I even miss that to...it's just too quiet around here now. If I hadn't have told you to keep him out he...

"Cap...don't, it wasn't your fault. You weren't robbing that bank, you didn't pull the trigger so please don't do this to yourself. I'm blaming myself for this and that's enough."

Well, I'll always feel like it was my fault. I'm gonna go hit the sack...you coming?"

"Yeah, jus' give me a few more minutes Cap. You go ahead...I'm okay and I'll be there in a minute."

Cap walked into the dorm but just like me and the others, he wouldn't get any sleep either. Before I turned to go into the dorm and I saw that I was once again alone, I looked up into the night sky and found the brightest star I could find. I knew that was Johnny, looking down on me and keeping all of us safe...and I knew he had been working overtime on this particular day. I had to have my nightly chat with him. What I wouldn't give to hear his voice just one more time.

"Hey Johnny. Well, I guess you know what kind of a day we've had...a rough one. I think Dix and the doc were havin' the same type of day as we were. I guess you also know that I'm not sleepin', none of us are. You don't know what this is doin' to me...to all of us but we're trying partner...we're tryin' to go on but it isn't easy though. It just isn't the same without you around. I miss ya Johnny...night Junior."

"Yeah, I did work pretty hard today but at least you guys are back safe and sound. Try to get some rest tonight, you all need it. Night Pally...I miss you to."

I turned and closed the bay door and went into the dorm for what would probably be another restless and sleepless night.

The End