It’s been a year and a half since the shooting and hostage situation at the station and I haven’t even been able to make myself go back there since the day I almost lost my life. But I’ve made it a point to keep in very close touch with Roy…as if that would surprise anybody…as well as the rest of the guys and after I was released from Rampart, all of my friends tried their best to get me to come back to work…especially that partner of mine. But as I told them then, I wasn’t ready to come back and because of what had happened, I didn’t think that I ever would be.

Well, eighteen months later…ya know, when it’s said that way it doesn’t sound so long ago, but anyway I…I suppose I’m ready to go back to work…maybe…hopefully…I guess. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve enjoyed the paramedic teaching I’ve been doing at the local college and being able to show these new guys the right way to do things, but it just isn’t the same as being out in the field. So I finally broke down and set up a meeting with Chief McConnikee and we met at 2 PM today and we discussed what I needed to do to come back.

Of course I knew McConnikee would welcome me back with open arms…he always seemed to like me for some reason, which is good, I’m definitely not complaining…it’s always nice when your boss likes ya.

Me and the guys have just never been able to figure out why Cap goes so crazy when the Chief comes around…unless it’s the hat burning incident when Cap was his engineer, which he won’t tell us about…and yeah, we’ve asked.

Anyway, the Chief said that he knew that the guys at the station would be glad to have me back to but I knew that before he even said it. It’s because of Brice, "Mr. Perfect Paramedic" as everyone calls him, of course thought, not to his face but I think he knows how everybody feels about him. That man drives everybody totally nuts.

My old station…even though I felt very hesitant and scared, which I know McConnikee had to have noticed unless he was blind, I quickly answered him.

Well, I found out that I start back to work Monday morning…back at station 51…and that’s only three days away and even though I’ve missed it…I’m scared to death. But not about going back to fighting fires and saving peoples lives, that’s something I have always loved doing and always will and nothing would or could ever change that.

I know to most people it may sound silly…and I guess if you really think about it then maybe it is but…well what scares me is just going back inside that station and seeing where I was when I came so close to dying. I know that I’ve come way too close to "bitin’ it" as I’ve heard people it put, several times on this job…I mean, let’s face it, I’ve been bit by a rattlesnake, hit by a car and caught a virus that nearly killed me…but none of those affected me like the shooting has.

I suppose the reason why I’m having such a hard time now is because the shooting happened at the station…or right in front of it…while the other stuff happened while we were on different runs. And I had always thought of it as being a safe place, a place where we didn’t have to worry about something bad happenin’…to any of us…but man, I was wrong.

Roy has tried so many times to get me to stop by just so see everyone but I haven’t been able to do it. But I guess…I guess today’s the day, no sense in puttin’ it off till the day I go back to work, plus the fact that I did ask the Chief to let me tell Cap and the guys. Might as well get it over with.

As I drive from the Chief’s office toward station 51, my stomach is all in knots and I’m beginning to wonder if I made the right decision. Coming near the station, I’m relieved to see that the squad and engine are both out on a call so I turn in beside the building.

I want my first visit back to be done in private so if I can’t handle it and totally fall apart, which I have the feeling that I probably will, I won’t be embarrassed in front of my friends. Although I know they wouldn’t make a big deal out it, I just want to be by myself for my first trip back.

I park my Rover in the same spot where I used to park everyday for over ten years…right beside Roy. It seemed like old times, pulling in beside his little sports car and I was beginning to think that I was late for work and Cap would jump my case. Man, the things I remember.

I didn’t think it would happen but as I got out of the Rover and made my way toward the station, the memories of my days here came flooding back to me…like all the times we’ve spent on this back lot.

I remember when Dwyer fell off a roof and broke his arm and I was left to try to find one of the guys who could pitch a ball for a game we had coming up against Station 36…this was our yearly softball game/picnic. Man, I really messed up…big time…but more about that in a minute.

Anyway, I had tried everybody, with the exception of Chet, to find a pitcher and hadn’t had any luck. Chet claimed he couldn’t play baseball which is why I didn’t bother with him but as the six of us were in the kitchen getting ready to eat and talkin’ about the game, I started tellin’ the guys what I had done…totally dumb move on my part. All of ‘em were about ready to kill me.

That’s when Chet said something to me about being a walking disaster then he threw an apple core into the trashcan. But this is the thing…he was standing on the other side of the table near the stove and the trashcan was over beside the couch…and he hit it…so I figured that he didn’t know what he was talkin’ about and that he really could pitch. But Chet never knew what he was talking about anyway …most of the time.

After finally talkin’ him into it, we were out here and he was pitchin’ the ball to me and he was doing a really good job, even Mike and Marco agreed. It just took a lot of convincing to get him to pitch for us…I remember it was him, Mikey, Marco, Roy and myself standing in the bay while I’m standin’ there, and not gettin’ any help from the others, tryin’ to talk Chet into helping us out with it.

And of course I remember that Roy had to throw in his two cents.

I just shot my partner an irritated look then went on talking to Chet, tryin’ to convince him.

Well I agreed not to expect too much from him and he agreed to do it. We really thought we had it made but…we lost…BAD. The score turned out to be 17-3 in favor of station 36 and why not just go ahead and admit it, the team those guys had was just better than we were. And needless to say, the guys were not too happy with me afterward…but at least when I went into the locker room the next morning Roy was still talking to me…barely.

Roy was tying his shoelace and all he did was look up at me. I thought I was still in trouble and I figured it was gonna be a very long shift. But I tried to keep a positive attitude.

Well, one down…four to go. At least that was a relief, I knew Roy could never stay mad at me but Chet and the rest of the guys…now that was a whole other ball game, no pun intended, they could...especially Chet…but what happened was his fault, not mine. I wasn’t the one that made him fall apart out on the field in front of everybody, as he told me it was…he did that all on his own.

Now, for the reason why I messed up and the reason why everybody got so mad at me…it wasn’t because we lost the game…although we were all disappointed that we did but it was because I made the bet about who would pay for it without talkin’ it over with the guys first.

Mike and Marco wouldn’t even talk to me, at all when I went into the kitchen and after they left Roy was having to listen to me rant and rave about how they were treating me over the whole thing and while he was trying to talk to me and calm me down, that’s when I saw Chet comin’.

I had walked over to the stove and after taking a sip of my coffee I set it down and turned to lean up against the counter. Chet came over to get himself a cup of coffee and we started in on each other…or I should say he started in on me.

He shoulda said a real chump…nah, I have to admit that Chet’s a good guy…and a great friend. But after he said that, he walked outta the kitchen but I didn’t worry about it…Chet, along with the rest of the guys, eventually got over it. Even though it did cost everybody…including myself…a little extra cash, they did finally forget about it. I was glad about it to.

Walking into the bay, I make the first right and go into the locker room. I see that no one is using my locker and it reminded me of the water bomb that Chester B. got me with…and I have to admit…I walked right into that one…but when did I not?

Well, he put his knee on the bench as he slowly reached for the handle so I knew something was up and I quickly stopped him. Big mistake on my part…or should I say stupid mistake on my part. He knew I wasn’t in the right position to get hit and he did that just so I would move.

I think Roy quickly moved back out of the way, not that he had any place to go but into the wall but of course he didn’t have a clue as to what was gonna happen. And I didn’t blame him because there was no such thing as being too careful around Chet Kelly…even if you weren’t the intended target. And I moved right into the line of fire but I never was too bright to start with but hey, I had to humor the guy. I think it kept Chet happy to think he was pulling something over on me.

"Boy, you really don’t trust me, do ya?"

Would you trust Chet if you were me? Well, he opened it just like I told him to do and…I got it right in the face and chest and needless to say, I was drenched. And of course, Chet and Roy both laughed their heads off…even though Roy tried hard not to.

But, Chet got his in the end and that made all the mini showers I took through out the day well worth it. I’d been in the dorm talking on the phone to this young lady whose daughter we had rescued early that day from a tree house fire. And well, she kinda had a thing for me…maybe it was just what we call "hero worship" which eventually goes away…and it eventually did…but after hanging up with her I came into the kitchen to tell the guys about the call. Chet’s smart mouth didn’t bother me…hey at least I got a date out of it.

Just to see him get soaked with water when he opened the cabinet door made my day…and I think everyone else’s. When he walked back over to the table, dripping wet, I just couldn’t keep my mouth shut…I was so happy that he had finally got his.

"Well it do look like the Phantom got caught."

Walking out of the locker room I go straight across the bay into the kitchen. Pulling out a chair I take a seat and my mind goes back to the many times I’ve sat here with my friends. I remember the time when Roy’s mother-in-law was coming in for her once a year visit…man she always drives the poor guy nuts, I really don’t see how he stands it.

We were eating lunch that day…a rare day when we actually got through a meal without being toned out…and we had to listen to Roy rant and rave about her…and he always says that I rant and rave about everything. I tried to be sympathetic towards him, even though as I told him and Chet earlier that day that I didn’t know anything about mother-in-laws and that I didn’t want to know anything about mother-in-laws, but it was funny just listening to him complain about her.

We all got a laugh outta that…including Cap. I don’t think Cap likes his mother-in-law any more than Roy does his. Man, am I glad I don’t have their problems. I shoulda listened to see how they handled theirs…I might have that problem to…some day.

Before I could say anything, Chet opened his mouth…I’ve always wondered what he meant by his comment. Guess maybe I should ask him someday.

All of us could see how desperate Roy was getting. Mike had yet to give his opinion so I told the engineer to go ahead. Hey, I thought I was helpin’.

Although none of us said anything, all of us just kinda looked at each other like…huh…and I could tell that we were all thinkin’ the same thing like…is that your only idea Mike? Chet and me nearly started to crack up…we almost lost it.

But I do have to say this, in all fairness to Mikey, maybe he didn’t talk a whole lot but when he did say something, he sure made a lot of sense…probably more than the rest of us put together.

I walk back into the bay and slowly make my way toward the dorm. I had to force myself to open the door but as I go through it, I suddenly stop. Right in front of me is the bunk…one of the extra bunks on the other side of the wall next to mine.

Standing here I can recall that day as if it happened yesterday and I can still see myself lying there, bleeding so badly…and slowly dying. I remember Roy and I was comin’ back from Rampart, we had lost an elderly man who‘d had a heart attack and we were both takin’ it kinda hard…well I guess I was more upset about it than he was because I’m the one who kept talking about it. And as we sometimes did after a bad run, we would talk about it.

As I slowly took a seat on the bunk, I remembered how we had got stuck in traffic, which was very unusual seeing that we were so close to the station…until we found out why and then the next thing I knew I heard Roy yelling at me, telling me to watch out but I didn’t know what he was talking about, I was talking to Sam on the radio.

I remember feeling a very sharp piercing pain in my chest and abdomen and then everything going black. Then the first thing I heard as I was regaining consciousness was Roy, askin’ me to open my eyes for him. I was in so much pain and was so tired that I didn’t want to do anything but stay asleep. But, as I have learned, you just can’t sleep whenever Roy is around…that partner of mine won’t let you.

I suddenly had a severe pain in my stomach and when it subsided and I looked down at my hand…I saw all the blood and knew that it wasn’t good. But Roy, being his usually helpful, optimistic self, tried to convince me otherwise…didn’t work though. On top of being in a lot of pain, I was also beginning to freeze to death.

Roy looked up at Tom and asked if he could get me a blanket. He let Roy get it but said he would kill me if he tried anything.

"Can I please get a blanket from the compartment for him, he’s going into shock and I need to keep him warm. I promise I won’t try anything."

Well, Roy didn’t try anything but the way I was feeling at that point…I almost wished that he had…just so the pain would end. Sounds morbid I know but that’s how I felt. He brought the blanket and put it over me…and it hurt. He also asked if he could get some equipment so he could help me and Tom wouldn’t let him.

Well, I was thinking the same way Roy was…what good would it do ‘em if I died. I sure didn’t want to, despite what I said before but Roy didn’t have any luck getting any of the gear he needed either.

I remember before Roy got me outta the squad, we were talking. He knew I was going out on ‘im and he wanted me to stay awake for him.

But he wasn’t about to let me go out on him and I told him that he was being mean to me. To keep me awake, Roy started talking about the patient we ’d had earlier…and about my grandfather.

Roy and I both laughed at my "pale faced" comment but all I got for it was more pain. When Roy saw me tense up from the pain goin’ through me, he asked me if I wanted to get out of the squad and try lying down.

"Hang on Johnny…please. Would you feel better if you were lying down?"

Before Roy got me out of the squad, I heard him talkin’ back and forth with one of the police officers, begging them to back off so he could get me the help that I desperately needed.

"You…over by the squad…how is the injured paramedic doing?"

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him hold his hands up in the air and walk toward the front of the squad. I guess he did that so the cops wouldn’t accidentally mistake him for one of the bad guys.

I believe Roy and I were thinkin’ the same way on that one to and neither of us was happy about the way it seemed to be going…those cops weren’t about to back off…not under any circumstances. But we both hoped they would change their minds…if for nothing else, for my sake.

Roy kept trying though. But man, that cop sure was hardheaded.

Well, reasoning with the cops didn’t do any good. Roy decided to get me out of the squad and he looked up at Tom and told him what he was gonna do before he did it. I guess he was afraid that if he didn’t and Tom saw us moving, him or his brother might get trigger-happy and start shootin’ again and neither one of us wanted that.

But before I could answer, Chuck got in behind the wheel and started poking me in the chest and callin’ me "injun". Man, I have never understood why some people want to be such bigots.

I heard the tone of voice Roy had used with the guy so I knew Chuck heard it to and that scared me. If he had shot Roy…man, I don’t even wanna think about that…but I wouldn’t have been surprised if it had happened…even though I’m glad it didn’t. But I could tell that the guy wasn’t real happy with my partner at that very minute and as he spoke to Roy he pointed his gun at him.

I could tell Roy had gotten a little nervous and I heard him soften his tone of voice with that…that jerk. All right, so I’m tryin’ to be nice, so shoot me…ah, wait a minute…no, on second thought…don’t do that…been there, had that happen…was not impressed with it and I don’t wanna go through it again.

Maybe I shouldn’t call him a jerk…even though that’s what he is…or was and besides, what is it that my Mom always told me…don’t speak ill of the dead. But anyway, I’m gettin’ ahead of myself here. More on that later.

When I heard that, it scared me to. I didn’t know what Chuck might do to me but unfortunately I soon found out what his "fun" was gonna be…the hard way…he poked me in the chest again. Man that hurts…especially when you’ve been shot.

Well, Roy helped me out of the squad and finally we made it over to the grass in front of the station but I knew I was gettin’ worse. I could hardly even walk, with every step my knees were going out from in under me but Roy kept encouraging me to hang on.

"Don’t…know if…I can…weak…"

Well, he gets me on the ground and we suddenly see Tom looking toward the door to Cap’s office and we start gettin’ worried because we knew that he must have seen some movement inside the station. He questioned Roy about it and even though he tried his best to convince him that no one was in there, from the sound of it I don’t think Tom was buyin’ it.

Now, Roy and I both knew that wasn’t always true but we also knew that these guys didn’t know that…nor did they need to know it. But unfortunately Tom didn’t believe him.

I could tell that Roy didn’t wanna tell him, afraid of what he might do to the rest of the crew but Tom had his gun pointed at me and was ready to end my life so to save me…he told. We just hoped the rest of the guys wouldn’t be hurt.

I did not like the sound of that. I was afraid that no matter what I did, coughed, moved, moaned or even breathed the wrong way, that I would get shot again. Tom was slowly making his way to the door and I was kinda hopin’ that Cap and the guys would run and hide somewhere…but they didn’t and when Tom yanked the door open he found them in the office.

Why did this guy keep tellin’ me that I was gonna die…more importantly, why did he keep hurting me? I was in enough pain as it was…thanks to him…and I sure didn’t need or want any more.

Suddenly, I started havin’ trouble breathin’ and I was also starting to bring up blood as I coughed. I was guessin’ that with all the trouble I was having just to breathe plus the blood, one of my lungs had to have been hit. Roy yelled to Cap for some help.

With Roy supporting me I leaned over and got on my side, coughing and bringing up blood plus I was bleeding so bad and in so much pain that I had asked Roy to let me go…yeah I decided right then that I did want to die but my partner and best friend wasn’t about to give up on me that easy. Guess you can tell that I have a hard time making up my mind. Chet would have fun with that…what mind is what he would ask.

Well, I did try but I gotta tell ya, it wasn’t easy. I can still see myself lying there on the ground in front of the station and Roy, no matter how hard he tried, not being able to stop or even slow down the bleeding.

I suddenly heard a noise and slightly turned my head to the left and saw Chet coming out of the door to Cap’s office and he was carrying some towels in his hand. Even though Chet and me could really get on each others nerves, everytime I was injured, he always came through and showed everyone…including me…just how much he did care about me…and I’ll admit that I returned the favor when it was him. But this time, when he came out and got a good look at me, I could tell that it really got to him.

Well, Roy wasn’t sounding too enthusiastic to me and that made me a little nervous. When Chet walked a little closer and I was able to get a good look at him, I thought that Roy was gonna have another patient on his hands. He turned this deathly shade of white and it looked to me as if he was about to throw up then pass out.

I saw him take a few deep breaths to get himself together and then he helped Roy out just as good as I could have. Guess he’s been hangin’ around with Roy and me for too long and some medical stuff has rubbed off on him…lucky for me that it did, even though he and the guys do have basic first aid training. Maybe…just maybe he should become a paramedic…nah, Chester B. Kelly a paramedic…forget I said that, I just can’t see it.

"Yeah Roy, I’m okay. Johnny’s the one that’s hurt."

I started having a lot more trouble breathing and Roy and Chet got me sitting up as easy as they could but it wasn’t easy enough for me…it still hurt, bad.

"Roy…can’t…breathe…set…me up…quick…"

I started to cough again and was bringing up more blood in the process…yuk.

We suddenly heard Tom yelling at us and Chet was gettin’ just a bit upset with these guys.

"These guys are really makin’ me mad Roy."

Since I was the one who got shot I was upset to, and that’s putting it mildly so I didn’t blame Chet for gettin’ mad but I just didn’t want him to get in the same shape I was in…or maybe worse. I knew I had to keep him from gettin’ hurt but I couldn’t help but laugh at his tone of voice. Don’t think he thought it was too funny though.

Roy asked me how I was breathing since they got me sitting up some and I told him it was a little better but that my chest was still hurting along with my stomach. He then asked me if I thought that I could stand long enough to get inside the station but I knew there was no way I could walk on my own…or even with help, but that didn’t stop those two guys…we went ahead and tried it anyway.

I was thinkin’…man, this is gonna hurt…plus, what did I just tell those guys…I couldn’t do it…and Roy also says that I never listen. Just as I suspected, as soon as they got me to my feet, I went right back down and cried out in pain.

Well, that was the second time I had asked Roy to let me die but only this time, Chet had heard me. Even though I think he knew what I was askin’, he looked at Roy and asked him the question anyway. I noticed that Roy sorta hesitated before he gave him the answer and he also lowered his voice.

"He…he wants me to let him die. This is the second time he’s asked me to do that."

Roy then looked back at me and told me the usual…to relax, that it wasn’t my fault and just to hang on, that I was gonna be okay. And of course he told me once again that he wasn’t gonna let me die and that we would just find another way to do get me inside the station and get me warmed up. We then heard Tom yellin’ at us again, he was gettin’ kinda ticked off because we were taking so long.

I could see that Chet was getting angrier with every passing second. As he was starting to get up and go towards the guy to say something, I had to stop him. I grabbed his arm and hoped that I would be able to calm him down.

I noticed that Roy and Chet both sorta laughed at what I told Chet but it was true, he was startin’ to get as bad as me for getting hurt. I was seriously injured and the guys didn’t need another patient on their hands, don’t think they coulda handled it. Roy then looked up and answered Chuck…the…jerk…that shot me. Like I said before…I’m tryin’ to be nice.

Roy gathered me up in his arms…as easy as he could…and carried me into the station. Needless to say, I moaned in pain and he was apologizing…but it wasn’t his fault.

I felt as if I was gonna go out on him so instead of tryin’ to fight it I closed my eyes but I remember that as we went through the door, I heard him talkin’ to Cap and the guys with a very worried tone to his voice.

After Roy laid me down on the bunk and the guys got me as comfortable as they possibly could, I felt Roy taking my pulse again and when I opened my eyes and saw the look on his face…the look that I knew the meaning of all too well…and I knew it was bad.

We also heard Tom and Chuck almost get into an argument. That part was pretty funny…at least it kept their minds off of killing me, which was good.

The way they acted reminded me of the many, many times that Cap had call us twits, but I have to say, those two guys were twits. After they quit arguing and we had a little peace and quiet, Roy and me talked a little.

I had to think about that for a minute and then it hit me…everytime I would get hurt, Chet would always tell me that I had to hang on so he wouldn’t have to break in a new pigeon, as he always called me. Just don’t ask me why he called me that or where he even came up with it because I don’t have the slightest idea. Chet probably doesn’t either.

Well, that was a total waste of my breath, what little bit I had left and I knew it would be a waste before I even said it…Roy always blamed himself when I was injured and I knew that this time was no different. He blamed himself even though it wasn’t his fault.

Just as I was about to go out on them again, I heard Chuck running into the dorm yellin’. All I wanted to do was go to sleep and that idiot was keeping me awake. I did notice, however, that Tom didn’t seem too worked up about anything that was going on, almost as if it was nothing new to him, like he did this sort of thing everyday. Who knows…maybe he did. Man, that was a depressing thought.

When the two of them finally shut up…again…I slowly closed my eyes again just to try to get a little rest. All the guys were sitting around me, worrying and after I closed my eyes I heard Marco speak up and he was worried…more like scared to death.

I guess I scared Marco…guess I scared them all. I remember giving them a slight smile but I kept my eyes close as I softly answered them, in a kidding tone of voice, hoping to ease their worry. I could tell Roy was also scared to death.

As I lay there with my eyes still closed and still coughing, I heard Cap’s worried voice as he and Roy were talking.

I then heard Roy ask Tom…again…if he could get some equipment, he begged him really, he told him that I was gettin’ worse…I think everybody, including myself, already knew that. I think we were all surprised when he said that Roy could but he didn’t sound too happy about it.

"All right, but Chuck will go with you. But after you do that I want all of you to shut up…and shut him up. All that coughin’ is gettin’ on my nerves…all that blood is gross!"

That was the truth, it was gross. Now, ya have to understand something, blood is somethin’ that has never bothered me, at all, or else I woulda never got into this line of work. But the blood I usually see, when I see it, has always been somebody else’s, not my own and believe me, that does make a big difference. Plus, when you bring up blood, it isn’t the world’s best tastin’ stuff either.

I suddenly heard Chuck telling Roy to come on and I felt Roy stand up and thought something might be wrong so I forced my eyes opened. Even though I was hearing everything, I guess at the time and under the circumstances, things just wasn’t registering exactly right in my brain.

Roy tried to sound convincing but he wasn’t doing a very good job at it. I heard him and the guys talkin’ and Roy was telling them how bad I was. I could tell how worried all of them were and that was making me feel guilty to.

"And what Roy?"

I closed my eyes again as I heard Mike ask Roy the "and what" question but I noticed that before he answered him, my partner lowered his voice, I guess he was hopin’ that I couldn’t hear. I didn’t need to hear him, even though I did but I didn’t tell them that…I was dyin’ and I knew it.

That was Cap and the guys…always watchin’ out for me. It always seemed to me that they felt they needed to watch out for me…guess since I was pretty accident prone plus the fact that I’m the youngest of the six of us, maybe that’s why. I can’t say that it ever bothered me though, I always appreciated somebody watching my back and being a firefighter you need it. And in my case, I had five of the best "back watchers" that a person could ask for.

After Roy left the room, I felt somebody sit on the edge of the bed. I forced my eyes open and saw that it was Chet. I was still havin’ a hard time breathing, still coughin’ and the blood was still coming up and as I tried to get my hand up to wipe it away, Chet took the towel outta my hand and did it for me. We tried to keep the conversation light by kidding each other.

It always surprised me that the only time I ever heard Chet call me Johnny, with the exception of just a couple of times, was when I was hurt. I noticed that with us going back and forth with each other it kinda made Cap, Mike and Marco feel a little bit better and they seemed to relax, if only a little bit.

Now Mike Stoker, our engineer and a really great guy, was always so quiet…and still is I know and it took a lot to get him upset…or so we thought. But when I said that I knew I wasn’t gonna make it, Mike did get a tad upset with me, more than any of us thought he would…or could…but I was only tellin’ it like it was.

"Hey Johnny now come on, stop talkin’ that way. I know how much we all hate to admit when Chet’s right about something but on this one he is and we all know it. You’ve made it through worse so you’ll make it through this to."

I started to ask him what was worse than being shot and bleedin’ to death…being run over by a car…gettin’ bit by a rattlesnake or catching some unknown virus that I almost died from…but I decided to just let it go cause I think he was right, being shot was worse.

I knew I needed to settle him down so I decided to have a little fun with him over the fact that he was so quiet, which he just smiled and agreed with me. Then Chet and me got back into it but before I knew it I started having more trouble breathing and got everybody worried again.

"Well, we need all the help we can get watchin' out for Stoker. Me, Marco, Roy and Cap can’t do it all by ourselves so you have to stick around to help us out. Besides, you talk more than I do."

I was becoming more restless and agitated…not being able to breathe will do that to ya. I heard Marco telling me to stay with them but I couldn’t do it. I suddenly felt…funny, I guess you could say…but it was in a good way…no pain. I then saw my grandfather and thought right off that I was dead…but what made that so bad was the fact that if I was dead, I didn’t have a chance to say good-bye to Roy or the guys.

We talked a few minutes and he was doing his best to convince me to go back…that I had to save my friend’s life but with my five friends there, I wasn’t absolutely sure which friend he was talkin’ about…at first…although I had a pretty good idea which one he meant…Roy.

Well maybe I’m not as hardheaded as most people say I am because I did go back…and just in time to. As I was slowly comin’ around again, what I saw scared me to death because as I opened my eyes I saw Chuck aiming his gun at Roy and I knew what was comin’ and knew for sure which friend grandfather was talking about. He shoulda just told me my best friend, then I’d have known for sure.

I was so weak and had no strength left but I knew I had to try to save my partner and best friend’s life so I yelled as loud as I could and I think I startled everyone in the room.

Roy turned and started talking to me to try to get me calmed down. Cap also tried to help and told me that I had to hang on since I hadn’t used up my nine lives yet, as they would always say everytime I got hurt. I guess they all thought I was a cat…I dunno, I could never tell what the guys were thinking.

While I was talking to Cap, Tom came back into the dorm with Mike and interrupted me…he was not only a jerk but he was also rude. But seeing Mikey with him made me a little nervous, I didn’t have a clue as to what was goin’ on but later found out from Roy that he had used Mike as a shield to go talk to the cops outside.

As Tom said that, he pointed his gun at each of the guys and all I could see was him pullin’ the trigger and killin’ each of my friends right in front of me. And then Chuck spoke up and I didn’t like what he had to say either.

Five minutes left. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be told you only have five minutes left to live and knowing that your friends were gonna have to watch you die and there was nothing you could do to stop it? Trust me, it isn’t anything you would want to go through or put your friends through and I knew if I did die, my friends would soon follow and I couldn’t let that happen.

I remember that Chuck had kept calling me "injun" and even though it bothered me, I saw that it was really gettin’ to Chet. But that made me remember the time that he was hounding me about my Indian heritage. After a run he had got me and Roy going at each other and had brought out a peace pipe, which I told him wasn’t funny. Then to try and apologize for that, he brought an ax into the kitchen with a feather on it and said he wanted to propose a treaty with me.

But as I told Chet then, he was just showing his usually ignorance and that’s nothing new for Chet, but this other guy was just being a moron and believe it or not…between showin’ your ignorance and bein’ a total moron…there is a difference. But Chet took up for me and I really appreciated that.

That guy got right up in Chet’s face and I thought Chester B. was gonna punch the guy’s lights out, which woulda been pretty funny, unless Chet had gotten hurt and I thought I was gonna have to calm him down…yet again. But he didn’t do anything stupid, Chet just calmly turned and walked away from him, which surprised me and everybody else.

As he turned back and faced me, I slowly gave him a thumbs up, just to let him know that I was proud of him for not losing his temper with that jerk...it definitely wouldn't have been worth it.

As far as I was concerned, they could do whatever they wanted to do to me, I was already hurt and probably wasn’t gonna make it anyway but my friends…I just wanted them to leave my friends alone and for them to get out of that mess alive.

I suppose Chet knew…or at least suspected that my time was short so he came back over to the bed and sat down beside me and started talking to me, once again calling me Johnny and once again, me, givin’ him a hard way to go over it. Okay, so yeah, I was dyin’ but this was Chet…I had to get in as many punches at him as I could. It was just too good to resist.

He was startin’ to get too serious, which I didn’t like. I saw that the rest of the guys liked it that I was tryin’ to have a little fun. I tried to lighten up the conversation a little but Chet wasn’t too happy because I was trying to make light of the situation.

I could tell by the tone of his voice that he wasn’t in the mood to kid around, all of us could. He had something to say…and it was serious.

I could tell by the way that Roy asked that that he was just about ready to lose it. This whole thing really shook ‘im up.

All the time I was talkin’ to Roy, he would never let his eyes meet mine. When he did finally look at me I saw the tears in his eyes and those rolling down his checks and I have to admit, that hurt me more than gettin’ shot. I could never stand to see Roy upset…over anything.

He knew, as did the rest of the guys what was comin’ and I could see that they all blamed themselves. I somehow had to make them understand that it wasn’t their fault and make them promise me that they wouldn’t blame themselves for any of this.

Well, to be honest it was like pulling teeth but I finally got Cap and the rest of the guys to agree that no matter what happened to me that they weren’t gonna blame themselves or do anything stupid…all except for Roy that is. While I was lying there, again gettin’ agitated and struggling to catch my breath, Roy just sat there, trying to fight his emotions and not saying a word.

I could see that Roy was trying to say it but just couldn’t get the words to come out. But that was Roy, it never mattered what kind of trouble I got myself into, which always seemed to be a lot, he always looked on the bright side of things…and he wasn’t about to let me go without a fight.

I’ve always been thankful that Roy is my best friend and that he and the guys do care so much about me. And believe me, after workin’ with and knowin’ these guys for as long as I have…the feeling is very mutual.

Like I said, they were all gonna fight tooth and nail to keep me from dying. But I just had the feelin’ that I wasn’t gonna make it and felt I had to prepare my friends for what was coming, no matter how much they may have hated to hear it. And they did hate it, take my word for that.

I was trying to rest and save what little bit of strength I had left…and that was a very little bit…while the rest of the guys were just sitting there worrying when all of a sudden Tom walked over to the bunk and started talking to us, basically making fun of the bond we all had. I knew this was the end…at least for me.

Nothin’ personal…yeah right, who was that guy trying to kid. He was right about one thing though, he wasn’t gonna get any trouble from me, I wasn’t gonna do anything, I was too weak to even try, but I knew I couldn’t guarantee the same from the rest of the guys. And I was right.

Cap pleaded with this guy while they all gathered around me to try to protect me. As I’ve always said, they’re a great bunch of friends…the best that any man could ever ask for or hope to have and I’m so lucky to have ‘em.

I guess they rattled Tom a bit, he didn’t seem to understand why they would risk their own lives to save me. I was beginning to think that it could be that he’s never had anybody who was willing to do it for him…like it was really all that hard to figure out why no one would. Yeah, okay I know…be nice.

Those two guys weren’t buying any of it and to beat it all, they were trying to put the blame on the cops outside. Although we didn’t think, at the time, that the cops were doin’ anything to end the hostage situation, we all knew that they weren’t the ones who shot me…Tom and Chucky did. The guys tried to reason with ‘em but with jerks like that, talkin’ doesn’t do any good. Guess you’ve already noticed that I don’t wanna be nice…but can ya really blame me…I don’t think so.

While I was lyin’ there, listening to the exchange of words going back and forth, I had been tryin’ to get Roy’s attention, I needed to stop this before one of them got hurt…but I had gotten so weak that he couldn’t hear me.

When Cap spoke to them again I could hear that he was gettin’ just a little upset and I thought he was gonna get shot when Tom put his gun to his chest.

I thought I’d give it one more try to get Roy’s attention. I did it but I still don’t know how he ever heard me.

"Yeah Roy, listen to your friend. He has enough smarts to know when it’s time to give up, maybe all of you could learn something from him. Now move!"

Well, the time had finally come, or so I thought, I was about to die. The way Tom yelled at Roy and the guys, I thought they were gonna die to. I’ll never forget the way they all looked at me…like they were waiting for me to tell them it was all right to back away. I didn’t want them hurt so I looked each one of them in the eye then slowly nodded my head and they slowly backed away from me, although I could tell they didn’t want to.

Chuck walked over to me and raised his gun and aimed it at me. Man, that was a weird feeling, even thought I’ve had a gun pointed at me a few times on this job I still didn’t like it.

When he asked me that I suppose that I coulda begged for my own life…guess anybody else in my position would have…if they were smart but as I’ve said, I’m not too bright. But I didn’t care what happened to me so all I could think of was to beg for my friend’s lives to be spared and I was just hopin’ that they would be decent enough to do it…although, I wasn’t holdin’ my breath.

I saw the smirk that came across his face…man, if I’d had the strength I’d have gotten up and slapped it off his face myself. I turned my head to try to find my friends and after I found them, I had to apologize to ‘em for putting them through all this.

I felt my eyes slowly close and I thought that was the end…for my friends and me. I remember talking to my grandfather again and just like the last time, he wasn’t going to let me give up and stay with him. I wanted to since I found out it was Roy that I had to go back to save, which I did but I finally got the message and went back.

I guess it was after they got me to Rampart and after surgery, even though I was unconscious, I could still hear Roy and the guys talking to me. I remember Cap saying something about me rattling Chet…but that was never all that hard to do anyway. I know if the circumstances had been different I probably woulda enjoyed it more than I did.

Oh, and remember when I said something about not speaking ill of the dead…Roy told me later that Tom and Chucky had been killed when the police had stormed the station. He said that was after I had gone out on ‘em the last time.

I don’t know what all went on after I lost consciousness but when I finally woke up my chest hurt, along with everything else that hurt…but I knew that it wasn’t from being shot. No, this hurt was different…like the kind of hurt…or soreness really…you have after you’ve had to have someone shock your heart back into rhythm for ya. I later told Roy about it and I finally got him to admit to me that they had lost me for a few minutes. That was just one more time my partner and best friend had saved my life.

I also felt the ET tube that was in my throat that was helping me to breathe. And just like all the other times I’ve had one, I tried to fight it to breathe on my own. Dr. Brackett tried to calm me down but it took Roy to do it.

With Roy’s help, I got my breathing under control and let the ventilator breathe for me but I wanted it out and I knew Brackett could tell that by the look on my face.

I thought, DUH…real dumb question doc. But all I could do was shake my head yes.

I exhaled, Brackett pulled and all I could do was cough and gag as it came out and I got nothing but more pain everytime I did. I finally got myself together and somewhat relaxed.

That was another dumb question…but I wasn’t about to tell Brackett that. My throat was sore and dry and my voice was raspy from the tube. I hate those things.

"Yeah…thanks Pally."

Roy held the glass to my mouth and I took a few sips of water. Even though it hurt going down it did make my throat feel a little better. After the Docs and Dixie checked me out, they left Roy and me alone. They could tell that I needed to talk to Roy, even though I was tired and sleepy.

I saw him starring at me and I knew that he knew I had something on my mind. I wanted out of the department and knew he was gonna fight me over it but I had to do what was best for me…at least what I thought was best for me at the time.

There was yet another dumb question. Why am I always asked such dumb questions? Well, I didn’t get upset because he asked me, I just calmly answered him.

I knew what Roy was gonna say…it could have happened anywhere, anytime or on any run. I knew that but it happened at the station and that was something that none of us had ever expected. I just needed him to listen to me.

Roy knew where I was headed with this but I think he needed me to stay on the job. Needless to say, he tried his best to talk some sense into me. I don’t know, maybe I am hardheaded.

Roy wasn’t about to make it easy for me to quit so I had to lay there and listen to his five reasons why I couldn’t quit the job I loved.

"I know you did but you’re gonna get five. One, you are one of the best paramedics in this county and people need you. Two, you wouldn’t be happy doin’ anything else. Three, who would I get to watch my back and look out for me. Four, you can’t break up the best paramedic team in the county. And five, you wouldn’t wanna make Chet break in a new pigeon…would you?"

Well, he got me with that last one. That is the one thing I will never be able to live down…out of all the dumb and stupid things I’ve done on this job, and believe it or not there have been a few, I won’t be remembered for all those, no, I’ll always be known and remembered as Chet Kelly’s pigeon, but I had to laugh about it though. And Roy kept trying his best to get me to stay.

Well, I had to stay in Rampart for three more weeks as I slowly regained my strength and my injuries finally healed. Finally the day came that I was to be released and Roy came that Saturday morning to see if I was ready to get outta there…I was more than ready. And I also did like Roy asked me, I really thought about not quitting so when he got there, we had an awkward conversation about it.

"Hey Roy, come on in. I’m more than ready, I was ready the first day I came in here."

I could tell that Roy wanted to ask me about the decision I had come to but he was afraid to. I just came right out and told him.

"Roy, I know what you’re waitin’ for so I’ll go on and tell you. I have come to a decision."

It hit me…right between the eyes…I then knew what was really bothering Roy. He thought that if I did quit the department that would also mean that our friendship would be over. I knew he didn’t want that and I certainly didn’t want that. I was hoping to convince him that it would never happen, that no matter what, we would always be best friends.

Well, he took me home but after all this time I’ve finally realized that my true home is here…at the station. As I sat there, I felt the tears running down my face as I thought of the close bond that Roy and I have shared over the years…a very special bond that has saved both our lives so many times.

I guess I was so deep in my thoughts that I didn’t even hear the engine and squad come back into the bay. I suddenly felt a hand on my shoulder and as I looked up, I saw Roy and the guys standing there. They musta been out at a fire because they looked terrible…man, as crazy as it may sound, I really do miss that.

"Johnny…Johnny, you okay, what’s wrong…what are ya doin’ here?"

I quickly turned back around and wiped my face with my hands...I didn’t want them to see that I’d been crying but I knew that they had. I then stood up and turned to face my friends.

"Yeah…yeah Pally I’m fine…nothin’s wrong, really. I was just…ya know, remembering that day…crazy huh?"

"Nah, it’s not crazy…I still remember it to. I remember how close we came to losing ya Junior."

"We all thought that you weren’t gonna be around anymore. We’re all glad you decided to stop by, we’ve missed ya pal."

"Me to Cap, I’ve missed not bein’ here…believe it or not after all that happened. The Chief ah…he was gonna call and tell you all the news but I asked him to let me do it myself."

One look at Roy’s face and I could tell he knew what the news was. The rest of the guys just stood and patiently waited for me to tell them…well except for Chet.

"Well don’t leave us hangin’ Gage, what is it?"

"Well Chet my boy, you and the guys are finally gettin’ your wish…I’m coming back to work…I start Monday mornin’."

Before I knew what was happening, I was sudden surround by five guys shaking my hand, slapping me on the back and telling me it was about time I came to my senses. The sixth guy, Brice, was just standing there with a slight smile on his face…lookin’ like a dork. That guy really needs to lighten up a little. It surprised me that he even came over to me and shook my hand.

"Gage, I’m glad that you’ve decided to come back. You’re a good man and an excellent paramedic. I’m sure DeSoto will be glad to have his old partner back."

What was that…was he sick? Brice callin’ me a good man and a great paramedic was just a little bit out of character for ol’ Craig Brice…the stiff upper lip, go strictly by the book paramedic that we had all come to know and…and most of the time despise. But I shook his hand, tried to be nice and tried not to make too much out of it.

"Thanks Brice, it’s gonna be good to get back. To be honest…you’re not so bad yourself."

Now I know the rest of the guys thought I had completely lost it since I always griped and complained about Brice more than the rest of them ever thought of doing but since he was nice to me I thought I should at least return the favor.

I’m glad that before I had to explain why I did that, the engine was toned out to another fire…fortunately, it was only a trash fire. After they pulled out, Brice excused himself to go do the log and Roy and I were alone in the dorm. I guess Brice isn’t as cold hearted as we all had thought.

"Well Gage, DeSoto, if you gentlemen will excuse me, I think I’ll go catch up on the log."

I waited till he left the room before I spoke up.

"You know Pally, I thought he’d never leave."

"Yeah, I was thinking the same thing Junior."

We both got a laugh out of that. I slowly turned back around and just stood there, looking at the bunk. I felt Roy place his hand on my shoulder as he spoke to me.

"Johnny, are you sure you’re alright?"

"Yeah…I’m fine. It’s just hard ya know, being back here after all this time…seein’ where I…I died. That’s so strange to hear, let alone say but…I did die Roy."

"I know you did, but we got ya back and you’re fine. Johnny…listen to me, it’s over, you’re okay, you survived and it isn’t gonna happen again…"

"Can you guarantee that Roy…that it isn’t ever gonna happen again?"

Roy and I both knew the answer to that before he even answered me but my best friend looked me straight in the eyes and answered me honestly.

"No Johnny, I can’t guarantee anything. But in this line of work we all know that there are no guarantees and everytime we go out on a call…we’re taking the chance that something may happen…that any one of us may not make it back. But we can’t let that keep us from doin’ a job that we love so let’s not think about that Junior because like Brice said, I’m glad to be getting my…old…partner back. I sure don’t want you to go and change your mind again."

I knew Roy was right…we never have guarantees as firefighters…or paramedics, this job is dangerous and every one of us accepts that fact but we do it anyway. Roy smiled when he made that old remark and all I did was give my friend a funny look. But I knew he was only kidding and was trying to make me feel better so I didn’t get mad at ‘im.

"Old huh? Well to be honest…I’ll be glad to have my old partner back to. I’ve really missed workin’ with ya Pally. And don’t worry, I won’t change my mind, I’m here and I’m back to stay."

"Good. I’ve missed it to Junior."

We knew then that things were gonna be all right and come Monday morning when the shift started, things would finally be getting back to normal…well at least what was normal for the two of us. Before I had a chance to say anything else, the tones sounded, calling the squad out on yet another run.

"Squad 51, respond to an unknown type rescue, 2493 West Carson Avenue, 2-4-9-3 West Carson Avenue, ambulance is responding, time out, 12:48."

We heard Brice acknowledge the call.

"Squad 51 10-4 KMG365."

"Well, I better get goin’."

"Yeah, duty calls. Hey Roy."

"Yeah?"

"Be careful…partner."

"Always partner."

As Roy left the dorm, I stood and listened as they drove away, wishing it were me in the squad beside him instead of Brice. As the sound of the siren faded, I just knew that we would be all right and I couldn’t wait to get back to work.

The End