"You alright?"

"Yeah, I guess I am...or will be."

"You know Roy, I still can't believe Johnny is really gone."

"Me either Cap. I tried...I tried to stop him but...I just didn't realize that he was so depressed."

"Don't blame yourself, the last few runs really got to him, got to both of ya, but you just handled it differently than Johnny did."

"I know but I shoulda seen it comin'. I thought I could talk some sense into him but he was worse than I ever imagined. How could I have missed it?"

"I know...but we all missed it and it's something we'll all have to live with. Look, why don't you go on home and try to get some rest pal, you look like you could use it."

"Thanks Cap, I think I will."

"Come on, let's go."

~~~~~~

With the funeral and graveside services finally over, Joanne and the kids, the engine crew along with Dixie, Joe and Kel, stepped away from the casket, giving Roy a few moments, alone, with his partner and best friend, before everyone departed for their separate homes.

As he and his family returned home and upon entering the house, Roy went straight to their bedroom…he told Joanne that he needed to be alone for a while, to pull himself together before the rest of the A-shift crew members and hospital staff…minus one Doctor Mike Morton…arrived at their home for a private gathering later on that evening.

After checking on each of their children, nine year old Chris and seven year old Jennifer, Joanne left their rooms and walked down the hallway to their bedroom. The door was partially closed but she could hear her heart broken husband, softly talking as he held a one sided conversation with his best friend and partner.

"No, I'm not alright...I told Cap that I would be but I’m not and I never will be again. Oh Johnny, why...why did you have to do it? If you had just talked to me about it, I would have helped ya in any way that I could have. I'm gonna miss ya so much partner…things will never be the same without you in my life Junior."

She left the door as it was, giving Roy his privacy, but moving to where she could see inside the room and wiping away her own tears of sorrow and grief, Joanne could see Roy, standing at the window looking out, still in his dress uniform. She quietly stood there as she continued to listen.

"How can I even go back to work now…and be stuck with a new partner. We worked so well together…you and me, people always said that we were the best paramedic team in the county…and us and the guys…we were a family…and now we’ve lost ya Johnny. And you …you probably didn’t know this but…well, all of us always thought of you as the "baby" of our family and I guess we treated you like that sometimes to…well let’s face it, you were the youngest and you could act like it…especially with Chet around. But you just seemed like the type of person that needed lookin’ after…and I was glad to do it…I just…just wish I still had the chance…to take care of ya partner."

Joanne was having a harder time keeping it together as she listened to her grieving husband as he continued pouring out his heart to someone that was no longer with them.

"You know, with my luck, I’ll probably be permanently partnered with Brice…oh Johnny, I can’t stand that man but…if I had a choice, I’d much rather see Brice right at this moment than I would Mike Morton…and I…I don’t know what I would do to him, if I did see him right now…I still hold him responsible for this…if he had just…just kept his mouth shut you wouldn’t have…I want you back partner…I need ya and I just don’t know if…if I can do this without ya."

She knew it would be the hardest on Roy and she only hoped that she, as well as the rest of his friends from the station and hospital, would be able to help him get adjusted after his best friend and partner's tragic death. But they all knew it would take a very, very long time for that to happen…if it ever did happened.

Slowly pushing the door open and going into the room and over to Roy, Joanne lightly placed her hand on his back, gently rubbing it, as she softly said, "Roy, honey...I'm here if you wanna talk about what happened. We're all gonna miss Johnny so much."

Roy didn’t turn around but as he wiped his eyes, he said, "I still can't believe...this has happened, I’m just…so…so numb…and it’s like…like I’m in the middle of a nightmare that…that I can’t wake up from. How...how are the kids doing?"

"They seem to be holding up alright but, they're missing Johnny so much already. And I don’t think they really know what happened…I mean…exactly how he died, and since we really haven’t told them anything they think it was an accident and he was hurt at work so… for now, I haven’t said anything different. They're in their rooms, changing their clothes."

"I guess…I guess we need to tell them the truth…shoulda done it in the first place instead of…instead of puttin’ ‘em off. I suppose they’re old enough to understand.."

"Yeah, I guess so. I just wish somebody could explain it to me so I would understand it…it just doesn’t seem real…Johnny…gone."

As Roy finally turned to face her, Joanne saw the tear-streaked face, the red, swollen eyes and the deep pain of the man that she loved so much. Joanne placed her hands on Roy’s arms as her husband began to cry once again.

Through his tears, he said, "Johnny loved the...the kids so much...how could he…do this to them…how could he…did this…to us…why Jo...why did he…do it and…in front of me...I couldn't…stop 'im...I tried though… I swear...I tried...I just didn't realize..."

"I don’t know why Roy…some things we may never understand I guess…and I know you tried to stop him. Come here…it’s alright, we’ll be okay sweetheart…I promise…we’ll all be okay." Joanne softly said as she took him in her arms and tried to comfort him.

For the next ten minutes, not a word was spoken as Joanne held Roy tight, as she let him release some of the grief and deep pain he felt due to the loss of his best friend.

Finally, being able to compose himself, he pulled back and said, "I...I'm sorry Jo...it's just...Johnny…is my best friend and has...had been for fifteen years...I'll never get used to...talkin' about 'im in the past tense...I thought that we were…close enough to talk…about anything…but he wouldn’t talk to me…he should still be here and I...I shoulda seen it, we were close enough that I shoulda seen it...shoulda seen how depressed he'd become...it's my fault that he's dead...why...why didn't I see it?"

"Roy, it was not your fault."

"Yes it..."

"No...it wasn’t. Look, I miss him to, desperately, and it tears me up inside knowing…that he's gone...and what it’s doing to you and the rest of the guys. It hurts to know that I'll never hear that funny little laugh he had…or see that lopsided grin of his, the one that he would use to win all the females over with…including me…or see him playing with the kids, acting like an overgrown kid himself. But you tried to get him to talk to you...right?"

Roy only shook his head yes. He knew deep down that he had tried to get his partner to talk to him. And he felt the same way as Joanne did...there was so much about his best friend that he would forever miss.

"Okay then, it isn't your fault. Honey, I don't know, it’s hard to understand why things like this happens…and I sure don’t have all the answers and I'm certainly no shrink, but…"

Interrupting, Roy said, "That’s funny…that’s what Johnny said that…I was startin’ to sound like."

"What…a shrink?"

"Yeah, when I was tryin’ to stop him, he said that I…"

Roy took a shaky breath and looked up at the ceiling, as he tried to stop the tears that were threatening to once again fall. Joanne saw this and taking her husband’s hand, she went on.

"Well, I’m not one but I’ve heard it said that when people get to that point...to the point that they think that whatever it is that’s happening in their lives, that it's bad enough to just end it all...sometimes all the talkin' that you could do just isn't gonna help. They've already gotten down so low that they feel it's the only way out, the only way to end whatever pain they feel. And unfortunately, sometimes, even the people closest to them…we don't always see it, until it’s too late."

"Like me. I let Johnny down, I didn’t mean to Jo…but I did." Roy softly whispered.

"No, you did not let him down and you can’t even think that way. You were there with him, when it happened…and that’s what’s important…he didn’t die alone and that’s the way Johnny obviously wanted it…his best friend, the man he cared so much about, he wanted you to be there with him…or he never would have agreed to go with you…and I know that he would not want you to blame yourself. And I want you to think about something."

"What?"

"If you let him down, then me, Hank, the rest of the guys, even Dixie, Joe and Kel did to because…"

Stopping his wife, Roy said, "No Joanne, nobody else…let him down but me…I’m the one…that was with him…and of…of all the times that he…so desperately needed…a hospital and…and only this time…I couldn’t get him there…Cap and the guys got him…to Rampart on the engine after that…rattlesnake bit him…so why couldn’t I…why couldn’t I get him help this time?"

"Roy, you tried…"

"But I shoulda tried harder!"

Joanne ignored Roy’s angry outburst and calmly continued, "…to get help for him …and I know he knew that you would try. Besides, we had all been around him and we could all see that something was bothering him, but we didn’t really know what it was and the bad part is…none of the rest of us even bothered to ask him…and at least you tired to. And I feel guilty about that and always will…because I keep thinking that maybe…just maybe…if I had taken the time, just the few minutes that it would have taken, and asked Johnny what was bothering him, he might have talked to me and he wouldn’t have done this."

Looking at his wife, Roy softly said, "Jo, you don’t have a reason to feel like this, even I couldn’t get him to talk about it."

In a barely audible whisper and through tears, Roy asked, "But…does he…does he really know…how hard I…I tried to…get help…for him…does he…hate me…because I couldn’t …get him that help?"

"Yes, I truly believe that he does know that you tried, and that’s all he would have asked of you…to try…and no, Johnny does not hate you because you know as well as anybody, that he could never hold a grudge against a person, over anything."

"Well…I wonder about that. I feel like…he died hating me…because I couldn’t…help him."

"Well, I don’t, I know he did not die hating you. Besides, you know how Johnny was...good at hiding things that he didn't want people to see or know about…like the minor injuries that he could get and tried to hide ‘em from ya. And as you always said, even when you knew his needed to see a doctor, he would fight ya tooth and nail about going into Rampart."

Remembering how his partner was about hospitals and doctors, a slight smile came to Roy's face, as he said, "Yeah, he…he always hated goin' to…the hospital…even when he needed to. I mean, I know nobody likes to go but…Johnny…he was worse than anybody…I had ever met in my life…including the kids. I remember…the first time he had to go, for something minor, I think it was when he…hurt his shoulder at a fire, he acted so scared but of course he tried to hide it…and at first, I didn’t understand why he was so afraid of hospitals."

"But you do now?"

Nodding his head, Roy answered, "Yeah, I do. While we were waitin’ on Morton…oh I can’t even stand the sound of that man’s name now…but as bad as Johnny hated it, he was the only one of the Docs that was available that night, but while we were waitin’ for him to come in to check Johnny out, I just asked ‘im, point blank, what the deal was with him and hospitals."

Seeing that Roy wasn’t going to go on without being asked, Joanne jokingly said, "Well…what did Johnny say…or do I have to play twenty questions to find out?"

Slightly smiling, Roy said, "Oh, sorry honey…I was…I was just thinkin’ about him."

"That’s okay…we always will. That’s how we’ll keep him alive…right here in our hearts and in our memories. So, what did he tell you?"

"Well, at first he didn’t really wanna talk about it, but knowin’ I wouldn’t let up, he finally told me that when he was about seven years old, his grandmother had to be taken to the emergency room, she’d had a heart attack, but he said it was a long ride, even in an ambulance, from the reservation where he lived to the nearest hospital."

"This doesn’t sound as if it turned out too good."

Shaking his head, he replied, "No, it didn’t. His Dad rode with her in the ambulance and him, his Mom and Justin followed in the car. They finally got her there and with everything that was going on, nobody, including his parent’s or his older brother, even noticed that he had wondered off and…he was finally found by one of the nurses, standing there, just outside the treatment room, watching while they were workin’ on her…he saw her die and heard the doctor call the time of death. He said he figured that’s what did it, that’s why he likes to…he liked…to avoid hospitals…as a patient anyway."

"That understandable, maybe afraid that it would happen to him. That’s something a child should never see, but you always got him to go…eventually…and then there were a few times that he didn’t have a choice. But he went because he knew you cared about him and only wanted what was best for him. Please Roy, talk to me, tell me what led up to this. I wanna know and understand…or at least try to…why a man I cared so much about and considered to be a part of my family, took his own life."

Trying to hold back his tears, Roy took another deep and shaky breath, as he and Joanne sat on the side of the bed and he tried to find a way to tell his wife what led up to the death of their friend...his best friend.

"I think I understand why...but it doesn’t make it any easier to accept. It all started last Thursday, after I got to the station and spoke to him, Johnny seemed happy and in a good mood…then within a matter of minutes, that all changed."

"What happened?"

"Need you ask…Chester B. Kelly happened…as usual. So, a few minutes later, when I went inside the locker room, I heard..."

~~~~~~

"I don't wanna talk about it."

"Oh come on John, you can tell me, it happened again...Logan dumped ya, didn't she. You know, that’s too bad that you guys broke up."

"Alright, I’ll ask, even though I know I’ll regret it but I’ll ask…not that I’m sayin’ we did, but why?"

"Well think about it…Logan Gage…that has a nice ring to it."

"CHET…lay off…I’m not talkin’ about Logan or my date with her to you! And I wouldn’t be interested in marryin’ her if you held a gun to my head."

"Yeah…right…but I still say that I’m right. Like I’ve told ya before, I can read ya like a book Gage."

"Kelly…please knock it off."

"I am…she dumped ya."

~~~~~~

Roy heard the usual...Johnny and Chet already in the middle of some argument about his partner's latest unsuccessful date...that he knew full well that Chet had started...and that made him realize that this was going to be a very long shift.

Quietly stepping over in front of his locker, he opened it and with a smile on his face, he stood for a minute longer, just shaking his head and listening to his friends. Listening to the two of them was what made life around the station exciting …even though they could irritate everybody, life was never boring. But he knew he needed to bring it to an end…or their Captain would.

Interrupting the banter between his partner and Chet, he asked, "Hey Johnny, what did you do on your days off?"

"Chet, I’m warnin’ ya, if you don’t…"

Stopping in mid sentence with Chet, Johnny turned toward his partner and said, "Oh, hey Roy, didn't hear ya come in. They were better than what this day's already started out to be…thanks to Chester B. here. How 'bout you, how did you spend your days away from here?"

Changing into his uniform, he said, "Believe it or not, Joanne didn't have anything for me to do, so I just took it easy and spent all my time with the kids...and Jo of course."

Before Johnny could reply and putting in his unwanted two cents, Chet said, "Gage spent his days off gettin' dumped."

"Shut up Chet!"

"Chet, go polish the engine and leave Johnny alone."

As Chet was about to answer, the three friends suddenly heard Captain Stanley's voice.

"Kelly, get out here!"

"Comin' Cap!"

"Thought he’d never leave…and thanks Pally."

"You and me both but you’re welcome Junior. And hey, if you wanna talk to me about what happened with Logan…well, I’m here to listen."

"Thanks Roy, but there’s really not a lot to tell. She just suddenly decided that she couldn’t live with dating a firefighter anymore…always the job, too dangerous, ya know?"

"Yeah…I know."

~~~~~~

"Johnny and I finished getting ready and then after roll call is when everything started to happen. Of course, Johnny and Chet had already gotten into it but…it wasn’t that…that always happened and it was nothin’ new. It was after that first run, which got to me to but Johnny started to…I don’t know really…act different…like he was depressed…well maybe not depressed, but he was really quiet and that’s not like Johnny. Then the other two runs where we lost patients sure didn’t help either."

"I’m sure it didn’t help. Yeah, if Johnny’s ever quiet, he’s usually either upset over something or he’s sick." Jo said.

Roy and Joanne just sat there in silence, as they realized that they both had spoke of Johnny as if he was still with them. She saw the tears starting to come to her husband’s eyes again.

Placing his hands over his face to hide the tears, Roy whispered, "I…I don’t think…I…I can take this…it’s just…too hard…I miss ‘im…so much."

"I’m sorry honey, I know you miss him and I didn’t mean to say it like that…but yes you can…you have to, we all have to. That’s what Johnny would have wanted us to do, we have to be strong and go on for him. What else happened?"

Getting himself together, Roy said, "Well…after we had roll call and chores…were given out…ya know, the usual, Johnny and I finished…the equipment and supply check…then the day started goin’ downhill…"

~~~~~~

"Station 51, traffic accident, with injuries, 2573 West Cumberland, 2-5-7-3 West Cumberland, cross street Pacific, ambulance is responding, time out, 0837."

"Station 51 10-4, KMG365."

"Wonder how bad this’ll be?" Johnny asked as the squad and engine pulled out onto the highway.

"I don’t know partner, I hope it won’t be too bad."

After pulling up on scene, the crew didn’t realize how bad it really was.

"LA, Station 51 at scene."

"10-4 51, time, 0848."

It was a three-vehicle accident. Fortunately the third car was parked and empty but the other cars had passengers inside.

As the crew exited their vehicles, Stanley started shouting orders to the engine crew while Johnny and Roy got to work on the victims.

"Johnny, I’ll take this one."

"Alright Roy, I’ve got this one over here."

~~~~~~

Even though Johnny had been a paramedic for many years and had seen a lot of horrible and messy things, the sight that met the paramedic when he walked around to the driver’s side of the car, nearly made him sick.

He saw that the windshield had been shattered and lying there on the pavement, in front of the car, was a small girl, about five years old, she was bleeding badly with cuts and contusions all over her small body, and Johnny could see the multiple fractures of her bones, without even touching her. She had blood running down the side of her face and was barely conscious.

Johnny saw a piece of glass in her neck and with all the blood loss, he immediately knew that a jugular vein was severed. The paramedic forgot about the two adults inside the car, who were obviously very inebriated…and not hurt…and quickly made his way to the critically injured child.

"CAP!"

Frightened by his younger paramedic’s tone of voice, Hank rushed to his friend’s side and asked, "John, what’s…oh my Lord."

Hank saw the same sight that Johnny did and was stunned.

"Cap, Roy’s busy with the other car and I need help over here…right now!"

"You got it…Chet, Marco, get over here and help Johnny…bring the trauma box with ya…Michael, finish washin’ down this gas pal!"

"Right Cap." all three men replied.

"LA, engine 51."

"Go ahead 51."

"LA, respond an additional squad and ambulance to our location."

"10-4 51."

Stoker relieved Marco and Chet so they could help Johnny. Grabbing the trauma box from the squad, the two men quickly made their way over to the paramedic and knelt down beside him and they could see Johnny continuing to apply pressure with his hand. Chet opened the trauma box and handed Johnny the dressings he needed to hopefully control the blood flow.

"Marco, come over here and take my place…I need to get her vitals."

"Sure Johnny."

~~~~~~~

"I finished with the other car, fortunately, nothing serious. I told them that the ambulance would soon be there but since they weren’t really hurt, they said they could go to their own doctor. Then I went to help Johnny and the others and when I went around the car and saw that child…I nearly lost it."

"I think I would have to. I’ve never understood how you and Johnny, or any of the paramedics, handled some of the things that you have to deal with."

"It isn’t always easy. We both worked on her but…there wasn’t anything that coulda have been done…and the look I saw in that child’s eyes when she looked up at Johnny…just before she died…I’ll never forget it."

Joanne hesitated for a moment before asking…not really sure that she wanted to know the answer.

"What…what kind of look?"

"The look…the look that said that…it wasn’t Johnny’s fault…it was like…she knew that we had…had done all that we could do for her…but she wasn’t blaming Johnny for anything. We told Rampart what we had then did as Brackett ordered…"

~~~~~~

"10-4 Rampart, IV D5W TKO, O2 and transport. Our ETA is twelve minutes."

"10-4 51."

"Johnny, Brackett ordered an IV D5W TKO."

"Okay. Roy…she stopped breathin’."

~~~~~~

"Oh no."

"Oh yeah, but Johnny stayed calm and started mouth to mouth on her and I got the IV started then got back in touch with Rampart, we put in an airway and loaded her up and left. Johnny and me rode in the first ambulance with her, it took both of us and Cap and Vince loaded up the parents in the second one, one of the attendants and Vince rode in with them. Cap had Marco bring the squad in but you know what the worse part was?"

"No, what?"

"Vince told us, before everything else that happened, that the parents didn’t even ask about her…didn’t know if she was alive or dead…and never asked. They didn’t really care I guess."

"I can’t believe that parents could do something that horrible to a child and not even care. You said before everything else happened…what…what did happen after you got to Rampart?"

Shaking his head, Roy answered, "Nothin’ good. She went into cardiac arrest on us as we pulled into Rampart…"

"Johnny, Roy, treatment two."

"Doc, she just went into cardiac arrest as we pulled in."

All right Roy, let’s get her on the table. Charge the paddles, 200 watts/seconds."

"200."

"Johnny, step back…CLEAR…nothin’…again…CLEAR!"

"I take it she…?"

"No…she didn’t. So after a while Johnny, Brackett and me came out of the treatment room…there was nothing else that we could do. And I think Brackett knew that when he first laid eyes on her, but he had to try."

"How was Johnny doing then?"

"During the run and at Rampart…of course naturally, he was upset, so was I but…he actually held it together pretty well…that is until the girls parents got there and Brackett told them that their daughter had died…"

"Roy, Johnny, Miss McCall. I take it from the looks on your faces that the little girl didn’t make it."

"No Vince, she didn’t. Kel should be out in a few minutes, and call me Dixie. Where’s the parents?"

"My partner is bringing them in now Dixie. I wanted to get in here to let John and Roy know that the parents didn’t even ask about her on the way in…just like they didn’t care. Uh oh, here they come now."

"Where’s my baby…what have you done…with my baby?"

"Mr. and Mrs. Lawson…I’m Doctor Brackett…I’m sorry…but your daughter died a few minutes ago. She was so badly injured, there was nothing that the paramedics or the staff here could do for her. Again, I’m so sorry."

"No…no, not my baby…Albert no…no…not Taylor…I wanna see her…I wanna see my baby…you’re lying…she can’t be dead…where’s my baby!"

"Martha, calm down, it’s going to be alright. Doctor Brackett, may we see her?"

"In a few minutes, we’re cleaning her up right now. I’ll let you know."

"Unfortunately, the mother heard me, Johnny, Marco and Vince talking to Dixie about how bad the run was… she came over, still drunk, and asked Johnny if he was the paramedic that took care of her child… it wasn’t pretty, she started hittin’ him and yellin’…and all he did was just stand there, like he was getting what he deserved."

"Poor Johnny, he didn’t deserve that."

"No, he didn’t and he tried apologizing but she just wouldn’t let up. That’s when I started to see tears come to his eyes and I think that if he could have gone off somewhere, to be by himself, he would have fallen apart…"

"I tell ya Dix, she was in pretty bad shape before we even got her here."

"Yeah Roy’s right, she was. I mean, she’s dead and her parents…not even a scratch. I’m surprised she lasted till we got here with her, she was in bad shape."

"Well guys, you did all that you could do for her, don’t ever doubt that."

Yeah I know Dix, but Johnny has a point, I don’t see how she did last for as long as she did."

"Sir, are you the paramedic that…took care of my daughter?"

"Ah yes…yes ma’am, I am. My name is…Johnny and I’m so…so sorry about your daughter. I wish there could have been more…that I could have done."

"Sorry…you’re sorry…you murderer…you killed my baby…it’s all your fault…you bastard you’ll pay for this…damn you you’ll pay!"

"I’m sorry…I’m so very sorry…I tried."

"You didn’t try hard enough…baby killer!"

"It took her husband, me, Marco, Vince, Vince’s partner and Brackett to pull her off of Johnny and Doc thought he was gonna have to get Dix to call security."

"But he didn’t have to?"

"Nah, we pulled her off and Brackett took them to the lounge. Then along came Morton, and started in on Johnny with just one sentence…then he walked away…"

"Causing trouble again Gage?"

"Roy, I’ll wait…for you and Marco outside. See ya later Dix."

"Bye Johnny. Hey, remember something for me?"

"What?"

"That it was not your fault."

"Yeah…sure. Bye Dix."

"Roy, you and the guys better keep an eye on him, he isn’t doing too good."

"We will, don’t worry. We’d better get out there with him, talk to you later Dix."

"Take it easy Dixie."

"Bye Roy…Marco."

"Morton must have a problem. Couldn’t he see how upset Johnny already was?"

"I think he saw it…I just don’t think he cared. And it gets worse, but I’m jumpin’ ahead of myself."

"How was he on the way back to the station?"

"Well on the way back, he was awful quiet…hardly said two words to me and Marco, which we both could understand that, there really wasn’t much to say. But I could tell that he didn’t look very good, he was kinda pale so I had an idea of what was comin’. Then…we backed into the station…I hadn’t even stopped the squad before he jumped out and headed for the bathroom."

"What happened?"

Joanne knew that was a dumb question before she even asked it. And she knew the answer to it before Roy told her.

"He threw up…a lot…and it seemed like he just couldn’t stop. Me and Marco heard it and jumped out of the squad and rushed to the bathroom, then Cap, Mike and Chet were right behind us. When he finally was able to stop, he was so pale and sweaty, real shaky to and he had us all worried…he was even havin’ a little trouble breathin’ and I thought I was gonna have to make another trip to Rampart…and take him. I tried to talk to him then but he just brushed it off and said that was he okay, that it must have been something he ate that made him sick, but none of us believed it, he hadn’t eaten anything but breakfast before he came into work that day. He also said that there was nothing to talk about…"

"Johnny…Johnny, you alright?"

"Yeah…yeah Roy…I’m fine…I just…I just wanna go…lay down for a…little while…it’s just…just somethin’…I ate."

"John, if you wanna talk about that run, we’re all here for ya pal. It shook us all up."

"No…no Cap there…isn’t anything…to talk about…I just…wanna forget all…about it okay, just…don’t mention it…please."

"Mike, go grab the O2 for me."

"Alright Roy."

"No Mike don’t…I’m alright and…I…I don’t need…any oxygen."

"You sure Johnny? You don’t look too good…and I’m not sayin’ that to be funny either."

"I…I know…yeah Chet…I’m…I’m sure."

Everyone knew that Johnny was taking that run very hard and that he just needed some time by himself.

"Let me help you into the door room Junior, you’re shakin’ awfully bad."

"I’m…alright Pally…I don’t need…"

"Yes you do Johnny, now let Roy help you. I’ll put the squad out of service for a while and have one of the other stations cover the area."

"Thanks Cap."

"Y…yeah Cap, thanks…I’m really not…feelin’ very good…right now…don’t think I’d…be of any help to…to a patient…right now."

~~~~~~

"Johnny cleaned up and splashed some cold water on his face and I helped him to his bunk while Cap put us out of service for an undetermined amount of time, hoping that Johnny would be able to get some sleep."

"Did he?"

"No…well, not much…but it wasn’t because the engine had been toned out. Actually, it was quiet the entire time, nobody got toned out all afternoon…it was the nightmares…he wouldn’t no more get to sleep, then he would wake up screamin’ his head off…"

"No…no it…wasn’t…my fault…I tried…to save her…no…I didn’t…kill her…not causin’…trouble…Roy…NO!"

"Johnny…easy partner, just take it easy, you’re just having a nightmare. Slow your breathin’ down."

"Roy…I’m…I’m sorry…I tried…to…help her…I swear…I did…but…I couldn’t…save her…her parents…were right…I…I…killed her."

"Marco, get the oxygen, bring a non-rebreather…and he’s gonna use it this time."

"Okay Roy, be right back.’

I tried to convince Johnny that he hadn’t done anything wrong, but I didn’t have any luck."

"Did he use the oxygen that time?"

"Yeah he did. He even admitted to me that his chest was hurtin’ a little…"

"Here’s the O2 Roy."

"Thanks Marco, set it for 15 liters. Here Johnny, you need this, slow your breathin’ down."

"’K…Roy…my chest…it hurts a…a little bit…scared…Roy…help me…hurts."

"Okay Junior, all right calm down and slow your breathin’ down and use the oxygen and let’s see if that helps, if not, I’ll hook you up to a EKG and see what’s happenin’. Now, relax and listen to me, you did not kill her Johnny. You…me…Brackett…we all did everything that was humanly possible, you heard what doc said…nothing could be done."

"Yeah…sure…I wish I…could…believe that…will you stay…with me for…a while…I’m…I’m scared to…go to sleep…still hurts"

"Well believe it, because it’s true. Sure partner I’ll sit with ya, for as long as you want me to. Slow your breathing down some more, you’re gonna be fine."

"Well, his breathing stabilized after a while and I took the O2 off of him when he finally went back to sleep. I stayed with him and the rest of the guys were in and out, checkin’ up on him but the nightmares just wouldn’t go away…it was like that the whole time he was trying to rest. Even though he looked exhausted, he finally gave up tryin’ and told Cap to put us back in service."

"I bet Hank wasn’t thrilled with that. How was Johnny when you two were put back in service again and you had another run?"

"No, Cap wasn’t because he could see how tired Johnny was. At first…at first when the call came in and we were headed to the scene, he seemed unsure of himself. But after we got there and started treatment, and then we got the patient to the hospital, he seemed fine…of course until Morton shot his big mouth off again."

"What did he say this time?"

"Anything to hurt Johnny…and the looks he would give, it was like Johnny should have done more for that little girl. He came down the hall while we were talking to Dixie and getting more supplies. When he was headed towards us, Johnny ‘s the one that saw him comin’…"

"Hey Dix, is that guy gonna be alright?"

"Yeah Johnny, he’s gonna be fine. Joe thinks he has an ulcer and it may be bleeding so he’s running tests now…but I’ll keep ya posted. Is that all you need Roy?"

"Yeah Dix, I think this’ll hold us over for a while, thanks."

"Oh man, here comes Morton…let’s get outta here Pally."

"How’s he doin’ Dix?"

"He’ll be fine Mike."

"Well Gage, guess you were able to save this one huh? Too bad you couldn’t do the same for that little five year old girl you brought in earlier."

"You can stay but I’m outta here…see ya later Dix."

"Junior…wait up!"

"I’m surprised that Dixie didn’t deck him."

"Me to Jo…me to. I was about to but I had taken off after Johnny when I heard her and Morton talking…"

"Mike…knock it off. Johnny’s having a hard enough time with that little girl’s death, he doesn’t need to listen to you."

"Ah Dix, Gage is a big boy…he can take it."

"I actually started to go back and give him a piece of my mind, after hearing him say that…Gage is a big boy, he can take it…well Morton was about to take it…a good punch in the nose…from me. Oh, that made me so mad."

"I wish I had heard that…although I don’t think he would’ve wanted me to. Why didn’t you?"

"We ah…we had another run."

"Not good?"

"No, not good at all…but it didn’t start out that way…"

"Doc, where ya want ‘im?"

"Treatment 5 Johnny."

"You need me for anything?"

"No, I’ve got it, thanks."

"Okay. Mr. Sloan, don’t worry, you’re in good hands with Doctor Early here. You’ll be fine."

"Thanks Johnny, for everything you and Roy did for me. I appreciate it."

"Anytime, just glad we could help, take it easy. Bye Doc."

"See ya Johnny."

"So, when Johnny came out of the treatment room, I was standing talkin’ to Dixie and everything was fine…the patient was fine, Johnny was fine. But that didn’t last very long."

"You mean when Joe came out and told you two what happened?"

"That…and Morton. He always seemed to know just when to show up…and always at the worse times to…"

"Hey Doc, you were in there quite a while, how’s the guy doin’?"

"He isn’t Roy…now."

"What…he died…but…but how…he was fine when we brought ‘im in…what happened Doc?"

"Yeah Johnny, just a minute ago. I don’t know why so we’ll do an autopsy on him and find out."

"Oh no…no…not again…it’s happenin’ again Roy."

"Easy Junior…take it easy."

"Joe, what’s going on…a bad one?"

"Yeah Mike, the patient that Johnny and Roy just brought in died suddenly."

"Johnny and…what are you doin’, back to killin’ patients Gage…how many does that make today…three? Maybe you shouldn’t be a paramedic anymore, you must be losin’ your touch."

"Mike, it wasn’t Johnny’s fault."

"Johnny…"

"Roy, I’ll…I’ll be waitin’ for ya…in the squad."

"That was uncalled for…what was wrong with Morton…and did Joe ever find out what happened to the guy you two brought in?"

"Yeah, Doc told me yesterday that it was a stroke…it was so bad and sudden that nothing could have been done. And Morton…I don’t know, but you better believe that I asked him…not that I got a straight answer…"

"What’s wrong with you…you know how upset Johnny gets over losin’ a patient. Why are you doin’ this to him…what’s he ever done to you?"

"He’s a failure Roy and maybe if he didn’t always act like such a hot shot paramedic, maybe patients wouldn’t be droppin’ dead around him."

"Why you…!"

"Mike…Joe and I need you…now."

"Right Kel. Later Roy."

"He called Johnny a failure Joanne…a failure…and a hot shot paramedic, can you believe that he would say such a thing about Johnny?

"No, I can’t but he was wrong Roy. Johnny was a good man and an excellent paramedic, who did his job well. You shoulda let Morton have it."

"You better believe he was wrong…Johnny was one of the best. I was going to but squads 45 and 63 brought in a bad traffic accident and Brackett and Early needed his help…lucky for him."

"Yeah, lucky for him but maybe not so lucky for the patients."

"Joanne…I can’t believe you said that."

"Well, It’s true. I don’t think I would want Mike Morton working on me."

"Me either. I’m glad the shift was coming to an end and I was hopin’ that since you and the kids were gonna be gone, I could get Johnny to go camping with me and get him to open up about everything that happened that day…"

Walking into the locker room, Roy found his partner, sitting on the bench in front of his open locker. He was hoping that if Johnny would agree to go camping with him, he would finally be able to get his best friend to open up about the last few bad runs they'd had.

Hoping to keep the worry about his partner out of his voice, Roy put a smile on his face and said, "Hey Johnny."

Turning to look up at his friend, Johnny sadly said, "Yeah?"

"Ah, I was wonderin'...what'cha got planned for this weekend?"

Looking away from his partner and shrugging his shoulders, he softly replied, "This weekend…oh, I don't know...why?"

Johnny lied...and he didn’t like to lie to his best friend but the dark haired paramedic did know and he already had his "plans" for the weekend made...but he was still curious as to what his best friend wanted him to do.

"Well...would you like to go campin'?"

Looking up at Roy, surprised, Johnny asked, "Campin'...it's usually me askin' you to go...what's up?"

"Well, Jo's mother called and…"

Johnny had a smirk on his face, as he said, "Mother-in-law again, huh? I remember the *last* time she was comin’. I’m glad I don’t have your problems."

Shaking his head, Roy said, "Yeah…and don’t laugh, it isn’t funny. But she isn’t comin’ here, she wants us to bring the kids down there for the weekend and you know me...I don't wanna go."

"So, how ya gettin’ out of it…or are ya gettin’ out of it?" Johnny asked his friend.

"Oh I am, but I had to beg and plead with Joanne to go along with it. But she finally agreed to tell her that I have to work so Jo’s gonna go on and take the kids and since I really don’t have to work and I don’t wanna stay at home all by myself this weekend, I thought me and you…we could have a guy weekend up in the mountains, just relaxin’ and havin’ fun."

"A guy weekend…up in the mountains…relaxin’…havin’ fun?" Johnny asked suspiciously, but with a slight smile on his face.

"Yeah…beats sittin’ around the house doin’ nothing all weekend. So, what'daya say...ya wanna go?"

The dark haired paramedic knew what his best friend was doing…trying to get him alone so he would open up and talk about what was bothering him and he knew Roy was only doing it because he cared and was worried about him…even though it was just about to drive him crazy.

"Up in the mountains huh?"

"Yeah…so…we goin’?"

Johnny thought for a minute...up in the mountains...away from everyone and everything. He knew that without being able to receive the proper medical help…that and if his aim wasn’t off…that his plan couldn’t fail…it would make what he was planning to do easier on him, but he also knew that it would tear his best friend apart.

Taking a deep breath and standing, Johnny tired to sound happy as he quickly replied, "Sure, I'll go. Maybe gettin' away is exactly what I need...maybe I could get in a little huntin' while we're there. Thanks for thinkin' about it Roy."

Johnny quickly turned from Roy and started "straightening" things in his locker. He felt guilty and couldn’t face Roy, knowing that his best friend and partner had just solved his problem.

Although worried, Roy tried to sound upbeat, as he said, "Well, it’s exactly what we both need. Okay, great, pack your gear and bring it to work tomorrow and we can leave right after the shift."

Not even looking at his partner, Johnny softly said, "Sure...okay. We can even take the Rover."

"So, Friday’s shift went fine, Johnny was still a little quiet but nothing bad happened. So when the shift ended, we left, got up there and got everything unload and set up but…"

"But what?"

"I couldn’t put my finger on it, at the time, but…well Johnny was sayin’ some strange things, even at the station when I asked him to go, the thing he said about doin’ some huntin’, Johnny definitely doesn’t…didn’t hunt, he hated it…but even the things he said after we got there didn’t really register in my head…not until just before he…what was wrong with me."

"There wasn’t anything wrong with you honey…you had no clue that Johnny was even thinking about taking his own life. What…what kinds of things…did he say?"

"Well, I should have. He said things like…"

When the shift ended on Friday and the two paramedics finally arrived to their destination, they got out of the Land Rover and stretched their tired legs as they took in the fresh, clean mountain air.

"You know Junior, I can understand why you like to come up here…it’s so beautiful in these mountains…and so quiet to. It sure beats the city life."

"Yeah Pally, it’s a nice, quiet place to leave it all behind and never have to worry about anything ever again…just rest in peace…and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do this weekend."

"Well, let’s get unloaded and set up. I’m getting hungry."

"Yeah…me to."

"I didn’t know what he was planning…I shoulda listened more closely to him and…what he was saying."

"I know you didn’t. Did you ask him about the runs?"

"Yeah, but I waited till Saturday, hopin’ to give him a little time to relax before I brought it up."

"How did he react when you did?"

"Same as always…that he didn’t want to talk about it. What was scaring me…and him, I think, were the nightmares. So I also asked him about that to…"

"Johnny…will you please talk to me about…well about that little girl. I wanna help ya through this, plus I need to talk about it to."

"Roy…please, I don’t wanna talk about it."

"What about the nightmares…tell me about them. Maybe I can help."

"No Roy…you can’t, not this time. If I talk about them I’ll never get rid of ‘em and I just want it all to go away. Look, before we leave tomorrow, I’m gonna do a little target practice but for now…I’m goin’ to bed, although I’ll probably be up screamin’ my head off again, but…I’m gonna try."

"Target…all right Johnny, now wait just a minute. Just what do you…"

"Roy…it’s nothin’…forget that I said it and I’ll…I’ll see ya in the mornin’. Night Pally."

"Night Junior, I’ll be in there in a few minutes. And don’t worry, I’m right here for you Johnny."

"Thanks Roy."

"He kept having the nightmares?"

"Yeah, just like at the station the day it happened…every few hours. Then Sunday morning, when I came out of the tent and I saw that he had a gun in his hand…that’s when everything that he had been saying started to click in my head…"

As Roy came out of the tent, he took in a deep breath of the fresh, cool morning air and hated that they would be packing up and leaving. Looking around their campsite, he saw Johnny, sitting on a log by the fire he already had started, and with the angle at which his partner was sitting, Roy could see that he was holding something in his hands. Coming a little closer and getting a better look, Roy saw what it was...a 9 millimeter pistol.

Roy quickly but cautiously walked up beside his best friend. The memories of some of the things his partner had said during the camping trip and the remark that Johnny had made at the station...that at the time didn't click in his brain...were now finally making sense to him and he knew what Johnny was planning...and he knew he had to stop him but he also realized that he needed to be very cautious about the way he approached his best friend.

Softly, Roy spoke and asked, "Johnny…what’cha doin’?"

Turning around, Johnny's tone of voice was calm and relaxed, as if nothing was wrong.

"Oh, mornin' Roy, it’s a beautiful day for a final mornin'...isn't it?"

The words…final morning…is what really caught Roy’s attention. He also heard the sarcasm coming from his partner's voice and the worry he had been feeling over his friend was growing more by the minute.

"Well yeah, it is…a beautiful mornin’ that is. Junior...mind tellin' me what you're doing with that?" Roy asked with concern, pointing to the gun in his friend's hand.

"Oh this, not much really, I'm just gettin' ready to check out Pally. I’ve really thought about it and I’m callin’ it quits, and I think this is the best way...right through the brain don't’cha think…or…or maybe…right through the heart?"

"Johnny…wait…"

"Quick, easy and either way sure does gets the job done. Although I have to admit, through the heart is a tad less messy, and at least I could still have an open casket and you and the guys could see me for one last time."

Nervously sitting down beside his friend, Roy was getting upset over hearing his friend talk the way he was.

"Johnny, what are you…stop it…just stop this…you’re scarin’ me here. This isn’t funny, so you can cut the jokes."

Johnny’s tone of voice suddenly changed, from talking as if he were making jokes to stone cold serious…and depressed.

"Joke…you think I’m makin’ a joke? This ain’t a joke…and I didn’t say it to be funny. I’m dead serious Roy…ah, no pun intended. I dunno, man, I sometimes wonder why I even bother."

Moving a little closer to his partner, the look that Roy saw in Johnny’s eyes, that far away look that he had never seen before…one that said that Johnny seemed to be giving up, told him that his best friend was serious, as did the tone of his voice…it also scared him to death.

Carefully placing his hand on Johnny’s shoulder, he said, "This isn't the best way…neither one is. And bother with what?"

Becoming agitated and jerking away from Roy, Johnny slightly raised his voice as he said, "Bother gettin’ outta bed in the mornin’…bother doin’ the job Roy…what good do we do…and bother doin' this…livin’!"

"Johnny, you bother because you care about people...you do this job because you wanna make a difference and help 'em and there is nothin’ wrong with that…even though there are some people that we just can’t help. And you go on living in spite of all the crap that we see because…you have so much to offer…you’re so good at what you do, you’re one of the best. And even though we lose some, you remember and are gratefully for the ones that we can save…so give…me …the gun…please partner…please."

"If I’m so good at…what I do and…I’m one of the best…then why did she die Roy…why?"

Roy tried to keep his voice as calm as he possibly could…to hopefully keep Johnny from getting too upset. As slowly as he could, he reached out his hand and gently placed it on top of Johnny’s…and the gun.

Softly speaking, Roy said, "I don’t know Johnny…maybe…maybe it was her time…I guess that maybe whatever she was put on this earth to do…she did it…and…and it was just her time to go. But nothing that you did or didn’t do caused that to happen…it just was. Come on partner…give me the gun."

Roy also noticed, not only the far away look but also the very lost and sad look in his best friend’s brown eyes when Johnny finally lifted his head to look at him. Johnny then looked back to the weapon in his hand and just shook his head no…Roy saw his partner’s grip on the gun get tighter as Johnny slowly pulled away from him.

Hoping to talk Johnny out of hurting himself, Roy continued to talk softly as he spoke to his best friend.

"Do you remember...last year when Vince was in that car accident and he almost shot you because of his head injury...an injury that I missed.... ya know, I thought you were gonna be so mad at me for that."

Remembering that day and shaking his head, as a small smile came to his face, Johnny replied, "I couldn't be mad at ya for somethin' that wasn't your fault, even I thought he was alright. But, he didn’t shoot me, so I didn’t think anything about it. Although, it did scare me, havin’ him pointin’ that gun at me."

"I guess it would, I know I woulda been scared…well, I was…and it wasn’t even me that the gun was pointed at…I was afraid for you and what might happen. And then when you, me and the guys finally got it away from him, I remember that, it took all six of us to get him down on the ground…then you got it out of his hand and threw his gun on top of the squad…remember?"

Johnny shook his head yes and Roy went on.

"I remember the time that you were riding that skateboard…goin’ down that sidewalk and went over into the cactus…that was kinda funny."

"No Roy, it wasn’t funny…it was painful. I couldn’t sit easy for a week." Johnny replied as a small smile came to his face.

"Yeah, I guess it did hurt. That was also the same day that we had to work on that police officer after that sniper shot him…and we did it while he was still shooting at us? I remember when we got to the hospital, you told Dixie that you never wanted to see another gun as long as you lived, that you would take landslides and fires and..."

"Just tell me your point Pally!"

Johnny was again beginning to get very agitated...and Roy knew it…but he decided that was the way he wanted it. He hoped that the more he pushed his best friend, and the more upset Johnny became, it would finally make his partner mad enough to start talking about how he was feeling.

He only hoped that he wouldn’t push too much and cause Johnny to do something that they would both regret.

"My point is Junior...you don't like guns and never have for as long as I’ve known you...but yet you have one, threatening to take your own life. You can't go on blaming yourself for somethin' that wasn't your fault, just like I couldn't keep blaming myself over what happened with Vince. Trust me, there is another way and I know what you're feelin' so please, let me have that thing, you don't wanna do this."

Johnny’s face was suddenly clouded with anger…the look was something that Roy had never seen from Johnny for as long as they had known each other and it frightened him.

As he stood and began to pace, Johnny ran his hand through his long and unruly hair and gripped the gun tighter, as he asked, "I don't…I don’t wanna do this...I can't blame myself...well then tell me somethin’ Roy, who should get the blame then…I worked on her, it was my responsibility to keep her alive…and I couldn’t do it. And what are you, my conscience now...how would you know what I want...how can you sit there and even think that you know how I feel...you don't…nobody does!"

Lowering his voice to a barely audible whisper, tears started down his face, as Johnny went on, "And there is…isn’t any other way…at least, none that…that I can find."

Slightly raising his voice, Roy replied as he looked up at his best friend, "Yes I do...I was there to, remember…helpin’ you. I saw what her drunk and irresponsible parents did to her, the same as you did, while they simply walked away from it...and I will never be able to get that out of my mind. So you ask who should be blamed…they should get the blame Johnny, her parents, because they killed her…not you!"

Not wanting to be angry with his best friend, Roy calmed down, as he said, "I'm sorry, let's not fight about this. Junior, If you can’t find another way, then let me help you…I would never lie to you Johnny, and all you have to do is just talk to me partner, get it out in the open then we can deal with it…I'm here and I wanna help...I don’t wanna lose you…I can’t…so please…don't keep shutting me out."

Lifting his head and starring out into space, Johnny softly replied, "You’re startin’…to sound like a shrink partner…and I know you would never lie to me Pally and that you just wanna help, and I appreciate it…but I've told ya, I don't feel like talkin' about it...I don't...I don't wanna keep relivin' it, I just want it all to end…the nightmares…the pain…seein’ that…that poor little girl…lying on the pavement…almost dead…and it’s everytime I close my eyes…Roy, she was only five years old…I want it all to just go away…and it won’t…no matter what…I do…I can’t make it…go away…it just won’t…and this…this is the only way…to make it…leave me alone."

Roy could hear the pain, distress and anguish in his partner’s voice, but he tried to convince his friend that everything, given a little bit of time, would once again be all right.

"This isn’t the only way and it will get better Johnny, it might take a little time but it will. And I can help if you’ll just talk to me about it…please."

"No…no it won’t…I’m sorry Roy…I…I swear I…never meant to…to hurt you…you were the last…person in this…this world that…I would ever…wanna hurt…" Johnny said as tears continued to streamed down his face.

Feeling tears running down his own face, Roy not only hurt for Johnny, but also for himself, because as much as Roy hated to admit it, he felt that he was going to lose his partner and best friend…with nothing he could do to stop it.

With a shaky hand, Johnny raised the gun and placed it over his heart as Roy quickly stood, hoping to stop his best friend. He wanted to grab the gun away from Johnny but thought it would be too risky to try, so he hoped that if he kept his partner talking, it would help…he was wrong.

"And he said it was his fault…he pulled the trigger...and I couldn't stop him. I can still…I can still hear the gun shot, echoing through the quiet morning air…and those last words he said to me...it’s my fault…he died believing that…the little girl's death was his fault and I really…don’t know if I ever convinced him that it wasn't. That’s what makes this even harder, not knowing if I made him realize…in those last few seconds of his life…that it wasn’t his fault…it wasn’t…everything that coulda been done…for that poor child was done."

Knowing that Roy needed to get everything out of his system, Joanne sat quietly, holding and gently rubbing her husband's hand as he spoke.

"Her dyin'...her parents blaming Johnny when it was their fault...and Doctor Morton, damn that son of a...the looks, the snide remarks he said to Johnny, why couldn’t he just keep his big mouth shut...that's what led up to my partner killing himself. And some friend I turned out to be, couldn't even stop my best friend from taking his own life."

Roy continued as the tears started down his cheeks once more.

"It... it hurts…so much Jo...I miss 'im...so much and it...it isn't fair...there were so…many things that...I wanted to say to him...things I needed…to tell 'im...and now...now I'll never have…the chance…it’s my fault."

Before Joanne could reply, Jennifer and Chris interrupted them.

"Daddy…its not you’re fault that Uncle Johnny died. Please don’t be sad, I know you tried to help save him…I think he knows it to."

"Jennifer’s right Dad, we know you tried to help him. We miss Uncle Johnny so much."

Chris totally agreed with his sister…their Dad was not to blame…now if they could only convince Roy of that.

"How long have you two been there?"

"Just a few minutes Mom." Chris replied.

After wiping his eyes and holding his arms out to his children, Roy softly said, "Come here you two."

After a few minutes of the grieving family, being in each other’s arms, letting their tears flow freely, Roy said, "Kids, why don’t the two of you…go on and play for a while…and when your Mother and I are done…we need to talk to the both of you…it’s about Uncle Johnny."

"Okay Dad, we’ll be outside…but you’re not to blame."

"Thanks Chris."

With that, the kids left their parents alone.

Seeing the tears beginning to start again, Joanne took her husband in her arms and softly spoke, "Roy, we’ll get through this, I promise you, we’ll all get through this. But right now, I think you need to go and talk to Johnny...go to his grave…and tell him all the things you wanna say…I know he’ll hear you. Go on."

Pulling away from his wife and wiping his hands over his eyes, Roy softly answered, "Thanks Jo...I love you. I'll be back a little later, then we can talk to the kids."

"I love you to. Take your time, I'll be right here. I’ll start getting things ready for when everyone gets here."

After putting his jacket back on and kissing his wife good-bye, Roy left to go "talk" to his partner and best friend.

Making his way back to the cemetery, Roy parked his car and leaving his jacket inside, he slowly walked to the place where his best friend and partner rested. Even though Johnny didn’t die in the line of duty, Roy talked to McConnikee and after explaining the circumstances, and although it was already the Chief’s plan to do it, he allowed the well loved firefighter/paramedic to be buried with full Fire Department honors, just as any firefighter killed in the line of duty would be allowed.

Roy remembered how hard it was for himself as well as the rest of 51’s crew to place Johnny’s flag draped coffin on the hosebed of engine 51 as he was taken home for the last time…the huge crowd that had gathered to say goodbye…riding through the streets with lights only, with Mike slowly driving the engine and Cap, Marco and Chet in their usually places aboard Big Red…and he behind them, alone, driving the squad without his partner and best friend beside him.

Bringing himself out of his thoughts, and being surprised to see that the casket had yet to be placed in the ground, the tears that Roy had somehow managed to control on his drive over, began to stream down his face once again.

As he stepped up to the casket, he placed his hands on it and lightly ran his fingers over its smooth surface. Despite the fact that it was a very warm and sunny day, the surface was cold to his touch and it tore him apart knowing that his partner and best friend lay inside the cold box…and there was nothing he could do about it.

Quietly he spoke to his best friend, no longer trying or wanting to hide his tears of grief.

"This is killin' me partner...even though I...I always knew this day would eventually come…ever since we became partners…and best friends...I just never thought…or dreamed…that it would end this way.... I always thought that when…one of us went…it would be in the line of duty, you know, tryin’ to save…somebody's life or their home...even thought it would be…me first…don’t know why, maybe cause I’m older I guess…I don’t know…and I always thought that you would be left here to…to watch out after Joanne and the kids...I just never thought that I'd be standing here...at least, not for this reason...

Johnny, you're my best friend and...and I couldn't even…save ya from doin' this...why...if I just knew why…you wouldn't talk to me...maybe...maybe I could understand it better…or accept it or...no, I’m only…kidding myself, I'll never…be able to understand or accept this...never...

I guess you...you knew what you were...gonna do...you had this all planned out...and I helped...I got'cha up…up in the mountains...away from all medical help...tryin' to get you to relax and…forget about those runs…that went bad...the shape that first...little girl was in… yeah, you knew…exactly what you were…gonna do...that’s why…that's why you agreed to…go campin’ so fast...

I hate to say this but...a part of me hates you Johnny...hates you for doin' this…not only to yourself but...also to your family…to Joanne and the kids…the rest of the guys…Dixie and the Docs…me. Did you not even…give a thought to any of us...did you…even for a split second…ever consider what it would…would do to me…I hate you for...for leavin’ me Junior...for not being here when…I need ya to talk to or...to hear you rant and rave…to hear you and Chet go at each other...for not comin' to me and talkin' to me about it...especially when you knew that you could have...

But then...then a part of me can…actually understand…I can’t believe I’m even sayin’ that but…I know what…what you were going through…how you felt because…I felt the same way...knowing we did everything…we could do for those people…and still losin' 'em but...but you didn't have…to end your life because of it...

There's so much...that I want to tell you...to say to ya...I love ya man...and I’m not ashamed to say it…you were always there …for me when…when I needed you and …I’ll always be so thankful that you…came to my office that day…wanting to join the paramedics…you were…are…you are my best friend…and I miss you so much...a part of me has...has died right along with ya Johnny…and I don't know if...if I'll ever get over this...but I promise…I’ll try to go on…but it won’t be easy. This isn't right...why Junior, why?"

Placing his head on his friend's casket, sobs tore at Roy's body, as he was overcome with more grief and sadness than he had ever felt before. And through his tears, he managed to finish telling his best friend all the things he had always wanted to tell him.

Finally being able to gather the strength to leave his best friend and partner, Roy made his way back to his car and went back to the station. He knew that the Chief had stood Station 51 down for the funeral, out of respect for Johnny, and he knew no one would be there until the next morning’s shift started. For that he was thankful...he wanted…no, he needed to be alone with his thoughts and knew that station was the perfect place.

He didn't know what it was, but as he entered the locker room, something drew him to his partner's locker. Placing his hand on it, Roy felt the tears, as they threatened to fall again, but keeping them at bay, he pulled the door open and he saw a white envelope with his name on it...it was in Johnny's handwriting. The extra set of keys to his partner’s Land Rover was lying on top of the envelope.

Picking up the keys and opening the envelope, he sat down on the bench as he pulled out the sheet of paper. After he unfolded it and began reading it, in his mind, he could hear his partner’s voice...

 Pally,

"Yeah Johnny, I guess we did know each other pretty well, that’s why we were the best of friends. I’m hurting partner, but I ‘m not mad."

"Partner, you gave me more than you will ever know…and I’ll never get over how you loved that truck, but don’t worry, the Rover is safe with me…I’ll make sure nothing ever happens to it."

"Oh Johnny, you wouldn’t have dumped anything on me…we were partners and best friends…that’s what I was here for, to listen if you needed to talk."

"You might have been a lot of things Junior, but a coward was not one of ‘em. I couldn’t have lived with myself if I hadn’t been with ya, I never could have accepted the fact that you had to die alone."

Even though all of the bad runs we had were getting to me, that little girl was what did it, as messed up as she was and all because her parents were driving drunk…why people wanna do somethin’ that is so stupid…I’ll never understand…or maybe I was just too stupid to understand…

"Driving drunk is stupid but you were not, you were the smartest person I ever knew, even though you tried your best to hide that fact. And I’ll never understand it either Johnny…or any of this."

"I tried to forget it to…and couldn’t. But you were not a failure Johnny, not in any way, shape or form...no matter what Morton said…if anything, he’s the failure, because he couldn’t see you for the person you really were…a kind, considerate and caring human being. Yeah…it woulda been nice to see the little Gage’s you coulda had."

Folding the letter and holding it to his chest, Roy wiped away the tears from his face as he softly whispered, "I couldn’t ever hate you for anything Johnny and there is nothing to forgive. I may be dying inside because of this…but I do understand. I’m gonna miss you so much Junior and I’ll never be able to forget about you. I hope that you have been able to find peace from the pain you were feeling…you so deserve it. I’ll be sure to let your family know, trust me, they love you to. Goodbye Johnny, and rest in peace my dear and most special friend."

Realizing that it was been over an hour since he arrived at the station, Roy finally made his was back home. On the drive back, he knew he had to find a way to explain to his kids what happened to their "Uncle" Johnny and try to help them go on with their lives. He also realized that he would have to find a way to somehow go on with his own life…without his partner and best friend in it.

After returning home and telling their kids what really happened, Roy, Joanne and the rest of their friends, celebrated the life of their departed friend and was also there to comfort each other through the worse time of their lives.

THE END